An Uncommon Girl with a Common Name

EMPLOYED!!!!

2009-06-01T18:34:00.000-07:00

It's been a day of ups and downs, but it's ending on a fabulous high note. I was extended an offer from a company I am very excited to work for this afternoon and I'll be accepting it in the morning, therefore ending my year of unemployment.

The wave of relief I am feeling is amazing. I am breathing deeper than I have in months and I have a feeling a fabulous night's sleep is ahead of me.

I can't help but wonder, however, if there is a connection between Phil and I finally attending church together yesterday for the first time as a couple (outside of Christmas) and me getting this offer today?? We picked out an ELCA Lutheran church - which also happens to house the new preschool Logan started this week - and began our journey together. Being raised Catholic and attending a Lutheran college, I knew I wanted to be at a church with a traditional service but I also wanted Phil to be comfortable...and since he was raised ELCA, that's the direction we went. The message on Sunday was about hospitality...Pentacost Sunday when Jesus turned the water into wine at a wedding...and it was kind of fitting because we were hosting Phil's parents all weekend - who also attended church with us - and we headed to my parents house for brunch immediately following church - which was also an expression of hospitality. I didn't pray about my job situation necessarily yesterday morning...I just prayed for an open heart and for patience (kind of a mantra for me lately). Today, I get the offer. I'm just sayin'...

Good Shepherd...I think you'll be seeing this family again. We felt your hospitality and will be returning to share our Sunday morning with you again.

God...thanks for smiling on me today...

10 years ago...

2009-05-12T09:04:00.000-07:00

Some days more than others, I miss college. I miss just about every aspect of my life from back then. I can vividly remember being IN college and being overwhelmed with what my life entailed, but compared to 'Real Life', it was a cakewalk and I didn't even know it.

I attended Concordia College in Moorhead, MN for four years. In the summer of 1995, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I did NOT want to go to college. I did NOT want to be 4 hours from home. I did NOT want to be that far from my mom and my life in Edina. I was scared to death of the future and I had never been forced to completely change my life the way I would be as an incoming Freshman. I'd never been a kid who loved being away from home - I didn't even like summer camp - so that was my biggest apprehension. I didn't want to be away from MY HOUSE. I can remember my mom promising me that I had to go until Christmas break. If I was still struggling and homesick by then, she'd consider letting me transfer. When it's mid-August and you're 18 years old, Christmas seems like an eternity away. Everytime I thought about getting left at college, I would panic. My stomach would take a ride on a tilt-a-whirl and my head would feel all airy and my eyes would fill with tears. I was not looking forward to this new adventure.

After a few hours on campus, I was still nervous as hell. My orientation leaders showed up and escorted me away to the evenings' activities and I didn't realize I wouldn't see my mom again...so her good-bye to me was in the form of a Post-it on my computer screen. I should have saved it...but in retrospect, it was the perfect way for her to say goodbye...otherwise I dont' know if I would have stayed the night in my new dorm room. The days preceeding the beginning of classes passed and I made friends. Good friends. Friends I still communicate with regularily and frequently. Freshman year was the longest of the four...it passed slower and dragged out the furthest...however after the survival of those 9 months (which included the coldest snap the F/M area had endured in over 65 years with one weekends windchills bottoming out at -85 F) I was home and done with my first year of college. And it was FUN.

I loved having my friends walking distance away (even in a blizzard!!)...if not next door. I loved partying all night and heading over to dining service for an all-you-can-eat brunch buffet that was all cooked and I didn't have to do more cleaning up than getting my tray to the dish area. I loved having my only responsibilities be class and homework. I loved getting ready for the day or to go out at night with my girlfriends. Here's one for you - we used to mix up HUGE drinks and drink them in the shower as we were getting ready to go out. It was awesome!!! I miss rolling out of bed to go to class in a baseball hat and flannel pants...yet getting showered and made-up to go to the library. I miss having a debit card that I used for Diet Coke and snacks and other various things at the Korn Krib...and if they didnt' have it there (meaning if I couldn't purchase it with my student ID) I didn't really need it. On weekends, I could go to the campus ATM and withdraw $10 and that was enough cash to buy a pack of cigerettes and cups for Friday AND Saturday night's parties. Life was good!!!

Then we hit Junior status and got to move off campus...and life was still good!!! Yes, we lived in tiny apartments that weren't the cleanest or the most updated, but they worked and the memories we have from those places are irreplaceable. My responsiblilites grew to include an on-campus job...in the forgein language computer lab on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sunday evenings. I had a car to keep gas in...but at $.89 per gallon, filling my tank for $11 kept me on the road for 3 weeks without an issue. I was going home less and less...and I could honestly say to anyone who asked that I loved school. I did. And in the blink of an eye, it was spring of '99 and I was once again on the Stomach Tilt-a-Whirl, onlyh this time it was at the thought of life after college.

Life was good. Life was free. Life was all about friends and making memories. Never in my life will I probably have such a well-defined period of time that I can look back and honestly recall hundreds of memories with little-to-no effort. I attribute this to the amazing group of friends I made at Concordia. 8 girls who all attended Concordia because they didnt' get into their first choice school. 8 girls who are all from parents who are still married to each other - not one of us has parents who have divorced. Six out of eight of us are oldest children. We all majored in different things but our similarities definately out number our differences. Concordia connected me to my amazing friends who I know are with me thru thick and thin. They would and have dropped everything to be there for me...for things as simple as a phone chat and as major as moving me out of a bad housing situation in a matter of an hour. They are amazing.

This upcoming October is my 10 year college reunion. Part of me is so sad to know it's already been 10 years since the adventure came to an end...14 since it started. The other part of me is so happy to have had the adventure at all. I wouldn't trade a single day of my life as a Cobber...it was priceless.

Mother's Day

2009-05-11T07:48:00.000-07:00

You know you've hit adulthood when the phrase "Everyday should be Mother's Day!" crosses your mind. Crap. I'm old.

I had a divine Mother's Day. I was allowed to sleep in. I had some scrambled egg whites and coffee waiting for me when I woke up. There were no gifts or cards, but I did get exactly what I wanted.

My son, being as he's only 4, doesn't really "get" Mother's Day. My amazing boyfriend covered for him...which in turn amazes me. This man loves me, I know that...and I know he sees how hard Motherhood is. This doesn't necessarily mean he needs to acknowledge the holiday for me, however. My sweetheart is not the father of my son. We share no children. And yet, he knows that if he doesn't help observe this holiday for me, no one will. He's a keeper. I'm in love.

And to my child's 'father' (typically I use the term 'sperm donor'), once again, you've proven your deadbeatness. Thank you GOD that my son has an admirable man to look up to as a Father and not the one linked to him thru biology.

Concert Etiquette

2009-05-02T17:21:00.001-07:00

There are rules of society when attending a concert. These rules change depending on the venue of the concert and the type of music played. For example, a Hannah Montana concert has different societal rules than the opera or a concert at Orchestra Hall. However, last night at a very enjoyable concert at a very intimate venue, I encountered the ultimate rule-breakers when it comes to social ettiquette...and I was PISSED.

Let me back up for a second. My sweet boyfriend bought me a 'date' to see Colin Hay - former lead singer of Men At Work - for my birthday. He's been doing solo accoustic shows for a few years and I had heard he put on a good show...so we went. It was in an older theatre - an old movie theater that is maintained by the taxpayers of the City of Minneapolis - and we were sitting in rows of folding chairs before the stage. I'd bet the capacity of the room was 450. The show was sold out.

We were off to the side of center stage in an area set up in rows of 6 seats per row. Behind us, a group of four sat down - one girl and three guys. Immediately, I knew they were going to be difficult...particularily the two guys sitting right behind me. You know the type. They are loud laughers. Not just a knotch louder than most people...they were always the first to laugh and they were the loudest laughers in the room. This was accompanied by incessant repeating. Whatever the preformer said, whether it be a little story or an intro to a song, they would repeat the last few words to each other...either one at a time or at the same time. SO ANNOYING. This didn't happen once or twice...it happened throughout the entire performance and got progressively louder as the night went on.

Then about half way through the main event, the girl sitting behind Phil began to sing. Loudly and off key. This wasn't a sing-a-long concert. NO ONE ELSE was singing. But No Social Skills was. Loudly. And Badly. About the time the Bad Singer started, so did her sidekick - the fake drummer. The guy sitting directly behind me was pretend drumming - complete with foot-kick on a bass drum (my chair was the pedal for this). His arms were flying around as if he was playing drums along with the old Men At Work classics.

The finale was when the Bad Singer not only belted out the last song but also started acting out the lyrics. Her hands in the air...waving...her hands in a prayer position...jazz hands...dancing fingers...hands in her hair...you name it. And it wasn't subtly...it was as if she was in a Southern Baptist church praising her creator on Eastere Sunday.

Never ever in my life have I witnessed a group of people with LESS social graces. Please please please people...I beg you...teach your children these little social nuances...they ARE IMPORTaNT!!!!!!!!!!

Stress?? What stress??

2009-03-09T20:38:00.000-07:00

Ya think anyone has ever died from being stressed out??

I just wish it'd make me thinner...'cause I'm naesous all the time and yet I eat. Dangit.

I'm just so tired of worrying about the same things - mainly money - and I'm so sick of rejection!!! I guess I have no skill-set to qualify for any job I apply for...and it's frusterating as hell. I'm a good person. I have a great personality and I'm intelligent enough to learn just about anything.

Someone. Please. Hire. ME!!!!

Thank you GOD for my son...

2009-02-20T18:55:00.001-08:00

I just have to say that lately more than usual, I look at my child and I cannot believe he is mine. I know that sounds schmaltzy and so cliche, but it's so unbelieveably true. I've always known I was blessed with a good looking child. I thank GOD for that every day...that I had a complication-free pregnancy, a very easy delivery and a beautiful, healthy baby. Only now, my baby is almost 4. And he's cuter and smarter than I ever could have dreamed he would be. The things that come out of his mouth and out of his head make me laugh (or cry, depending on the material...). He's at an age now where he ASKS about things...and comes up the the sweetest things to say. The latest one to wring my heart out a little bit was something he said last weekend. We were driving in the car and he said "Momma...do you know what I want to be when I grow up??" This is a tricky question because it changes hourly...doctor...fireman...chef...baker. I secretly think he could be a politician or an actor or a musician...but I humor him and say "No Logibear....what do you want to be when you grow up?" He replies without a care in the world "A daddy. I want to be a daddy.".

Oh my gosh my heart hurts. The kid who doesn't HAVE a daddy wants to be one. He already knows this. And he's not even 4.

Sometimes I wish I could read his mind...and know what his heart and head think about this 'no daddy' business. Does it even cross his mind as weird or do i just make that up in my head? My reply has always been "some kids don't have daddies" when the topic comes up in my house...and I change the subject. But how long will that pacify him? I have no idea.

I'm just so in love with my son (when I don't want to wring his neck). he couldn't be any cuter or smarter or more entertaining.

Cupid's Spirit Week...

2009-02-11T19:42:00.000-08:00

I know. February 14th is just a day, right? It's jut a date on a calendar page...like August 10th...only special to those who have special meaning behind that day. Well...for ME...Valentine's Day is special for a different reason. I'm extremely superstitious about it's powers...and the bad luck it brings me.

I'm one of the most romantic souls you will ever meet. I love to love...I love to be loved and spread love and tell those I love that I love them. I love, in theory, that there's a day devoted to expressing love to others.

Unfortunately, Valentine's Day brings bad memories for me. In the third grade, we had secret Valentine's pals. We had to hand make a gift for this person. I made my Valentine a heart shaped cake. The little boy I had a crush on the entire year had drawn my name and made me an adorable heart-shaped, hand painted box. I got sick and not only had to stiff the person who was going to receive my cake, but I never got to open my gift from my crush. In the seventh grade, I was 'going with' a boy who I really really liked (and we went out from September until June, which is like being married for ten years when you're in the seventh grade) and he sent me roses to my homeroom. Again, I had a migraine and was home sick. he left the flowers with the homeroom teacher and I never got them. Another one bites the dust.

In high school, I asked a guy to our Sweetheart Dance (which fell on Valentine's Day) and he originally said yes...until another, better option came along...and I got declined.

In college, I got cheated on on Valentine's Day. I waited up all night for my boyfriend to come over after he got off work. He never came. In the morning when he finally answered his phone, he told me he'd spent the night at Destiney's house. Nice. Thanks so much.

Another guy I had dated for over a year and I broke up on Valentine's Day. I had dropped the hint and even offered to buy tickets to a Wild Game for the big day...and not only did he say "no...I have something else in mind" but when the night came, he had NoTHING planned...and after watching him watch TV for a couple hours acting like nothing was wrong, I packed up my things and left...for good.

When I waited tables, I spent many Valentine's nights waiting on lovers who spent the evening eating off of each other's forks and sharing bottles of wine and rich desserts. I was 'in' on a couple Valentine's Day proposals. For the romantic in me, I was more than the 'bitter, party of one'???

Last year, however...the cycle was broken. After dating someone for 5.5 months, he got it...and that made me love him even more. It's not a day all about me. I never wanted that. I just wanted one thing to happen to let me know that yes, I love you, and yes, I appreciate you and yes, I may not understand the importanace of this day but I DO understand that it's important to you so I'll take you out someplace nice. And he did. We tried The Blue Point in Wayzata and it was amazing...and I was finally one of those couples I'd waited on so many times...and I ordered wine and a wonderful Swordfish and savored every bite. I got a wonderfully sweet card that now lives attached to my sun visor in my car so everytime I look up, I see it...my reminder that he cares...and I got a present that I use on a very regular basis...practical yet thoughtful. I met the man who understands me. The best Valentine of all.

I love you, Phil.

Prayers Answered and otherwise...

2009-02-03T11:07:00.000-08:00

Ever think it's funny that you can go for days or even weeks with nothing major going on in the lives around you...and then all of a sudden a cosmic explosion happens and it pours?

Some friends of ours had their son, Adam, on January 6th. He as born at 26 weeks and tipped the scale at 1 pound 13 ounces the night he arrived. Adam got dealt a bunk deck to absolutely no fault of his or anyone elses' own. His mom found out in the process of trying to get pregnant that she only has half a uterus...so his quarters were a mystery as to how long they'd last before he needed more space. The 20 week ultrasound showed a cleft lip and palate, which on a full-term baby is an easily treated condition but on a premie, it causes issues. His little lungs never had a chance to develop and his life on a ventilator was a series of roller coaster rides of oxygen desaturation levels. Then in the last 36 hours, his bowels decided to give up and after a surgery to repair that damage, Adam's little tiny body gave up and he became an angel at 5am today.

My heart is breaking for our friends. These two are going to be the most amazing parents. Their love and humor and faith for each other, for their marriage, and for life makes them such an amazing couple. When we learned of their pregnancy, my heart leapt as I knew this was an answered prayer for them. As the pregnancy progressed, my excitement for them and for the awesome journey they were on was also progressing. They don't deserve to have it turn out this way!!! They don't deserve all of this!! They deserve to be like all of the other couples I know - who enter the hospital one day and leave three days later with a healthy baby!!!

The same day, today, that I learn of this devastating news, I also learn that another couple I know who struggled with infertility has been approved on all the necessary paperwork for the adoption of their third child from Columbia. They leave on Thursday to travel to Bodega to pick up their son, Samuel, who will be one year old on March 3. This was prayers answered, as adoption paperwork is a very long, frusterating and time consuming process which we have all been thru with them twice before with their older two children. Their family becomes complete on Thursday...the day we'll probably be traveling to Madison, WI for the funeral of another baby.

Why does this happen? Why does it seem that God chooses who to bless and who gets the roughest road possible?? There's a seperate heaven for children...or so they say...and I'm sure it's an amazing place. I just wish there was one less angel there...his parents miss him already too much....

...all from ONE comment...

2009-01-19T09:19:00.000-08:00

I have gone from picking out my wedding and bridesmaids dresses to feeling like the bottom of my world has fallen out in a mere 12 hours. I haven't felt this devastated in years, if ever. I don't think one can ever forget the pain of a heartbreak...but I'll tell you this...the pain worsens every time it happens.

I'll back up.

A comment I made lead to a conversation in which the words "I don't know if I'm IN LOVE with you" were said to me. My heart cracked into a million pieces. Although I've been feeling a little off in my relationship lately, I never thought that this would be the outcome. Later on in the same conversation, which involved a lot of tears on both sides, it was decided that we do indeed have something to work on...something special enough to fight for...and that a couple sessions with a counselor might benefit us. At least we'll know that we tried if things don't work out. Of course, after not sleeping a single wink all night, my emotions are on overload and I'm not quite sure what to think anymore.

My question is : Can you fall in love with someone after this much time?

I'm so scared. I AM in love with this man and to hear that it's not mutual is devastating. He loves my son...loves being the man in his life...and I don't doubt that he loves me....but to what level or extent? I am lost. I have never felt this horrible about myself. I have never doubted my actions more than I do right now. I'm trying to focus on the positive - the desire to work things out - but the fear of that not happening is stifleing. The thought of throwing away all the hopes and the dreams I had for us is beyond heartbreaking. I not only fell in love with this man, but with his family too...and his friends...and his life. I need this to work. I need to know he's as committed to making it work as I am. Our conversation last night said he was...a night of no sleep is playing with that statement in my mind.

All I know is that I'm in a place I hoped and prayed I'd never be in again. God help me.

Three Days In...

2009-01-07T08:49:00.001-08:00

I started my 2009 upon returning to reality on Sunday night. I know this is probably cheating but there's no way I could have made a committment to myself when I was 'on vacation'.

So today is day #3 of my "Focusing on My Health and Myself" year. I gotta say, I feel pretty dang good about it. I'm drinking my 100 oz. of water a day. I've made it onto the treadmill everyday. I'm making wise food choices. Things are going well.

So why don't I LOOK different??? Gosh, I wish it would fall off as quickly as it can come on.

I think tonight I'm going to do a Detox Tea before bed. At least then, perhaps my gut will feel clean tomorrow.

I think there may be something wrong with me. I have lost my desire to ever leave my house even though my child is driving me insane. My house is an absolute sty. I try to keep up cleaning it but Logan goes behind me and makes a mess of the rooms I have just picked up. I'm on antidepressants but I don't feel like they're working anymore...and my health insurance is 'disaster only' so I can't go to te Family Practice clinic and get more/different meds. I'm seriously starting to see how mental illness can cause serious disasters in people's lives. I'm freaking out about finances constantly now. I NEED something to take my mind off my life.

New Years Resolutions???

2008-12-29T07:25:00.000-08:00

History will prove that I'm not good at resolutions. I have made them and by Valentine's Day they are thrown to the way-side. In theory, yes...I do want this upcoming year to be the year that I conquer all my insecurities...transform my body into the one I want...be a better person...become more organized...manage my time better...all the cliche resolutions. Yes, I want them all...but I don't necessarily want to WORK for them. Resolutions sound like something that is supposed to magically happen without any time invested. From experience, I know for fact that I do not change that easily. I wish I did, but I do not.

I started a couple years ago making GOALS for the new year rather than resolutions. Goals seemed to be a better word...something that allows me to be a work in progress rather than that ultimate cut-off of New Year's Day where I'm supposed to wake up this new person. Yes, I need to focus on myself and not feel guilty for that...which in turn will allow me to make my own health a priority. I want to be a better mom. My son deserves the best and right now, I am not giving him the me that he deserves. My sweetheart deserves the best me I can be too.

So there you go. 2009 is going to be the year of me. I will not abandon anyone in this goal...I will just attempt every day to make some time for myself. Everyone deserves that much.

Missing a period of my life...is that weird???

2008-12-27T20:49:00.000-08:00

I've had a fun life. Honestly. I can easily name off 5-10 periods of my life where I had an absolute blast. Some of them, I'm happy to say, are wonderful memories. I love the memories but have no desire to relive them. I do, however, have a couple times in my past that I still mourn. I miss the person I was and the things I did like I would miss an important family member.

In high school, I was extremely involved with a church. I was respected by my peers and by my elders. I ushered. I lead confirmation classes. I gave guest sermons. I sang in contemporary music groups. I participated and was a leader in retreats. I felt like my participation in all the activities was important and appreciated and necessary. I felt like my best person when I was singing on the alter or helping ninth graders figure out how they fit into the world.

I graduated and went on to college. Over the course of the next couple years, it came out that a member of the same church - someone I'd shared time with, someone I'd crossed paths with in numerous activities - had raped someone very close to me. i had spent years building relationships and my place within this organization and yet, I couldn't trust them to be decent and civil to someone extremely close to my heart.

I'm STILL very mad about this. I miss the person I was before I knew about the rape. I miss the trusting, involved, participating person I was. I miss the connections I had with this place and the people involved with it. I miss the appreciation and the mission and the passion I had for my church and for my God. I'm angry because there were people within the church that defended the rapist even when they knew something was going on. I'm angry that even when the news of the rape came out, people DEFENDED him and took his side...even when he admitted to it. I'm angry that a judge ordered that he not be involved with any activities in which children under the age of 18 are involved and yet he's allowed to coach and lead groups of kids at church.

I'm SO heartbroken that this person has broken my faith in the one place I found it. I miss that connection. I miss that part of my life.

Christmas Lament...

2008-12-22T18:20:00.001-08:00

OK...so this is going to probably get pretty schmaltzy and sentimental...but this time of year makes me get that way...

So Christmas is basically about a baby. God looked down and saw that the world needed help in a major way...and decided to create a little life to make some major changes.

I find this so logical.

I don't care who you are...a baby changes the world. It changes everything about your life. Everything you thought you knew gets turned on it's head...and the life you once lead disappears and suddenly everything revolves around this tiny person...who depends on you for every single thing.

Can you think of a more innocent way to change the world than with a baby? It doesn't matter where you are...when you see a beautiful, tiny baby, you look. You look in awe at the miracle that is life. You peer into the face of a person that has no agenda, no hidden feelings, no opinions, no hate. All they want is love.

I can relate to Mary too. Unmarried and pregnant...all the looks and comments. The feeling that you're doing it all wrong...that your somehow not going to be a worthy mother because that baby doesn't have a 'traditional family'. A man in your life that you know loves you, yet the blessing of marriage is still not there. Sitting in a situation where everything around you is a unknown...I'm familiar. I've been there.

So God sends a baby. An innocent, pure, perfect little person. Of course He did. He loves the world that much. And everything becomes calm and bright. That little perfect face...tiny fingers and toes...that sweet, soft, baby-fine hair. The expectations somehow fade away by looking at that little person...you just KNOW things are going to be OK because you fell completely in love the second you laid eyes on that face. The love will make it OK.

So I decorate my Christmas tree with red heart ornaments. I do this as a symbol that Christmas is about Love. God's love for us. Mary's love for that innocent baby. My love for my son. It's all the same. Love is the reason for the season.

I love Christmas Cards...

2008-12-12T13:49:00.000-08:00

I love the holidays for many many reasons...but one of my very favorite parts is receiving Christmas Cards. I love going to the mail box and finding some 'fun' mail in there rather than the typical mail. Now that I'm (gasp) getting older, I love getting cards from my friends who have had kids...I love seeing who the kids are looking like and how big they've gotten. I love that someone took the time to think of my family and I admist the insanity of the season.

I also love to SEND Christmas cards and I love making sure my card is unique...a card that someone will open and say "wow!! This is cool!!". I love letting people know that I love them and that I sincerely hope they have wonderful holidays.

Egocentric Personalities Irritate Me...

2008-12-03T20:42:00.000-08:00

My mom has a brother who is 12 years younger than she is. Scott. He was 16 when I was born and was my grandparents "oopsie" baby. The guy has been spoiled since the day he was born. Anything his heart desired as a child, he received...and as a teenager, he became a drug addict. I'm assume that at first, it was just drinking and smoking some weed...but he once told me he'd done every drug there was. He got two different girls pregnant a total of 3 or 4 times and all pregnancies were medically terminated - and my grandmother, a devote Catholic, took care of these girls so they could keep it a secret from their own parents. My uncle is now in his late 40's and is the ultimate vicitim. Nothing is ever his fault....he blames anyone or anything he can for his 'misfortune' of being chronicly poor. Nevermind that he pissed away his share of my grandparents estate...he was given a vehicle AND a house AND a cabin free and clear and no longer has any of those things. He has a fried brain from decades of drug use and the most egocentric personality ever and the very thought of him makes my blood boil.

This was not always the case, however. I used to adore this guy. However after years and years of him disappointing me over and over and over, I have learned that he is as reliable as wet matches and it's best if he is not in my life.

Last summer when I bought my house, my mom suggested that I 'hire' him to help me paint my house before I moved it. He needed the money and I needed the help and so it was going to work out really well, right?? If only. He talked me into painting my ceiling before doing anything else so I went down to Home Depot and got everything we'd need for that project. I also bought a new lock for my door. The short version of this story is that midway thru the job of painting my ceiling, he got angry at a comment I made about how Logan shouldn't have any say in who I date (Logan was 2 at the time) and that as Logan's mom, I wasn't about to introduce him to anyone until I knew there was going to be a future in the relationship. Scott got SO MAD at me for that comment that he stormed out of my house with the ceiling unfinished and the lock on my door 1/2 way finished. I haven't talked to him since.

Fast forward to today. I meet my mom at the mall so we can see Santa and in with her walks Scott. He's now walking with a cane...he's aged probably 5 years in the year and a half it's been since i've seen him...and after he greets Logan, he tries to hug me...and without making a scene or anything, I just quietly say "I have nothing to say to you, Scott" when he comes in for the hug. I then grabbed Logan's hand and off towards Santa we went. He was screaming after me in the mall and I just kept walking...my face burning the entire time.

Now...I am the one with the unfinished house. He's angry I never paid him. Why would i pay for a job left unfinished?? Where I come from, you get paid at the end of services rendered. Then he was yelling about some message I left on his phone?? I haven't even dialed his number since July 17th, 2007...the day this all went down.

I know there's nothing anyone can do. I know that this may never be resolved...and that I might either have to just suck it up and get over it or lose any sort of relationship I ever had with this guy. Is it horrible that I don't care?? I don't think I would shed a tear if I never saw him again. He wore me out. I can't invest anymore time or effort or will to care into him because I don't want to waste any energy on the disappointment. I struggle more with what everyone else will think if I 'cut him out' than what he will think. I know my grandparents are looking down at me and shaking their heads...but I can't tell if they're shaking at me or at Scott. They're not here to bail him out now. And everytime I look at my ceiling, I silently cuss out Scott...fucking asshole.

yeah, yeah...Happy Holidays...now get out of my Frickin' way!!!

2008-11-25T16:12:00.000-08:00

I do love this time of year. I love making plans with family and friends to celebrate simply the fact that you have each other. I love all the various kinds of foods...all the traditions...all the holiday craziness we all get sucked into every year.

Along with all the craziness is, actual CRAZY-ness. People. Are. Crazy. Today, I'm running around doing my own pre-Thanksgiving errands, one being filling up my tank at CostCo. From the other side of the pump, I'm hearing a string of explictives that even a sailor would raise a brow to coming from a 75+ year old lady who is struggling to get the pump to work for her. Now, I'm a nice person...and typically I would have peeked around the pump to offer some help...however after listening her cuss out the touchpad, I no longer wanted to get involved. Does frustration just set in faster within a week of a Holiday? I just hopped in my car and went on to my next stop...being the grocery store. I knew by the looks of the parking lot that this was not the wisest move...but the decision between just doing it in the afternoon or waiting and bring my 3.5 year old later in the evening just seemed obvious...so in I went. Word to the wise - SET YOUR ALARM AND HIT THE 24 HOUR STORE AT 2AM. Perhaps, just maybe, possibly, it will be slightly less busy than what I experienced today. And another piece of advice?? HEY CUB FOODS - Do NOT feed the animals the week of Thanksgiving...and please please please never set up a sample station at the end of the baking isle again the week of a holiday. You caused complete shopping cart gridlock. People cannot eat samples and drive a cart...so they'd take their sample and come down the baking isle to simply stop and enjoy it with no regard to those around them. It seems from my experience today, the age of the shopper also effects their conscienceness of those around them trying to do their own shopping. Would the thought ever cross the mind of a 65-70 year old lady that you could pull AHEAD of the brown sugar and then turn around to look at it rather than block the entire selection with your cart while you stare at the 4 various brands before making your choice???

Now, at least I was shopping alone. I was not one of the fellow moms in the store who were toting child(ren). However, if your children have outgrown the cart, please give them new rules...like please give the OTHER carts right of way...and please stick close to your chaperone. Shuffling next to your mother's cart, refusing to move from her side does me no good when trying to pass you in the ethnic foods isle.

Like I said...I DO enjoy the holidays...and I'm fully responsible for procrastinating my errands until the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and bringing all this upon myself. I just urge you, fellow bloggers and blog readers...if you could give mankind a gift this holiday season - please be more self-aware when out in public. I know your list is important, but is not paying attention to others in your path part of the deal?? I know my heals would appreciate if you were aware that you are not the only one pushing a cart around at Mach5 on a busy afternoon. We're all trying to make our holidays wonderful and memorable...and if I have to deal with society like I did today one more time - I might just go postal!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!

My Least Favorite Phrase...

2008-11-21T11:48:00.000-08:00

I love language. I love words...I love to read them and sing them and say them. I love poetry. I love novels. I love cliches. I love Shakespeare. I even kind of enjoyed Chaucer. I love words in other languages...Italian being one of my favorites. I once sang an aria for a vocal competition in Italian and I swear, my voice sounded better in that language than in my own. I love words said in whispers...I love phrases shouted from under bridges so they echo. I love baby babble that sounds like they understand perfectly what they are saying complete with inflection and passion and question marks and explaination points. I love my son's voice - 99% of the time...even when he has said "Hey momma?" for the ten-thousandth time that day.

There is one thing he says, however, that makes me cringe and roll my eyes everytime.

"Momma!!! Come Wipe ME!!!"

Oh god. Yes, I have one of those kids. I have one of those kids that yells that phrase and I hate it. The catch 22 is that if I tell him to stop or if I teach him to do it himself, it's not going to get done right and then I'll have a whole new set of problems to deal with...so until I can be assured that the job back there will be done up to my standards, I have THAT kid. So gross. So frickin' classy, right?? You have the girls over for a glass of wine or you and your honey are snuggling on the couch and and from the back of the house you hear "hey momma??? MOMMA??? Mooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmaaaahhhhhhh!! Come wipe me, Momma!!!!! I'm Done And I need you to wipe my butt". I know it's normal and lots of moms deal with it. I hate it. makes me crazy.

Tis the Season to be Thankful...

2008-11-18T10:31:00.000-08:00

It's so easy to get caught up in the negative lately....with the ongoing war that seems neverending...the economy...the housing and job markets...things all around us are grim. I received an email from my cousin last week that listed out all the things that seem negative but are really positive - I am thankful for tight clothes because it means I have more than enough to eat....I am thankful for my housework because it means I have a home to live in...I'm thankful for my bills because it means I have warmth, water, electricity and all the other things I need to live comfortably. I'm really REALLY trying to focus on those little annoyances that are really blessings.

Yes, I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, the health of my son and myself, my sweetheart...I have a home and a car...blessings abound...however there's always the desire for more, isn't there? A better paying/more prestigous job...a better body...more money in the savings account. It's so easy to lose sight of the small blessings of everyday.

My life is good...so much better than it was 5 years or 2 years ago. God has a plan...

Love being in Love...

2008-11-04T18:13:00.000-08:00

Most days, I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world. There was a time - not all that long ago - where I was pretty certain that I'd go thru the rest of my life with Logan...just the two of us...and I'd be destined to die alone. Pretty much as soon as I resigned to that fact and came to terms with it, a man came into my life and changed my song. The blues became love songs. The clouds parted and sweet sunshine shined on me. The warmth of being loved continues to wrap itself around my heart daily. I'm blessed.

I met this amazing person in an uncommon way...but of course, I don't really DO things the typical way anyway. From that very first date, I knew I'd found someone special...someone who was amazingly even-keel, mellow, kind and sweet. Someone who didn't just listen to me, but heard what I had to say. My heart still flutters when I think back to that first few weeks...those days when I was dying to see if he'd call again...praying he would...counting down the hours until I could see him again. The best part about our relationship, even 14 months later?? I still feel that way!! I see his name on my cell phone and I get butterflies. He walks thru the door and I smile...just because he's coming towards me. I still love all those things I noticed the very first day...the mellowness, the fact that he is so slow to anger and so quick to forgive, his kindness and his sensitivity. What I didn't know on that first date was that he's never had a relationship with a woman last more than 4 months. I didn't know that I was the first girl he'd ever bring to a holiday with this family. I also didn't know how amazing his family is...how they would welcome me and my son with open hearts and arms as if we'd always been a part of their family.

Unlike this love of my life, I have been in long-term relationships before...relationships that were WORK and that seemed HARD...like most of the time, I was asking myself what the point of being with this person was if I spent most of my time feeling crappy about myself or questioning the motives of the person on the other half of the relationship. Now, I'm not naive. I realize that this man I am with and I WILL have rough times. I know that it won't always be sunshine and butterflies...but I also know that as a team, we do pretty dang well. We communicate in respectful conversations and our fights are very few and far between (2 in 14 months).

I consider myself extremely lucky. I may have had to wait 30 years for this man to come into my life...and he may have had to wait 35 years....however I firmly believe that the cosmos had an agenda unknown to me. I needed to go thru all the crappy relationships to appreciate how wonderful a relationship can be when both parties are respectful of the other. This man had to experience many short relationships to appreciate how wonderful it is to have someone there - thru the good and the bad...thru the thick and the thin...thru the clouds and the sun. They say Timing is everything...and after all this time and all these experiences....I believe that cliche....

Loving 3.5 years old!!!

2008-10-19T08:21:00.001-07:00

I have loved every stage my son has gone thru. I loved the innocence and helplessness of a newborn...I loved the 'every day is something new' of an infant. I loved the toddler for being between baby and big kid...but I'm tellin' ya...this 3 year old phase is a blast. No longer do we need gear to go somewhere...the stroller, the big diaper bag, the snacks, all of it is a thing of the past. There is nothing he can't eat...nothing he can't do. And the best part is that he'll TELL me if he has any concerns...or opinions...or daydreams...or anything else, as that self-editting feature in his brain is not yet connected. We can have conversations that go from what he did in school to what he did last Christmas Eve to what he wants for breakfast the next morning in almost one breath!! I'm also absolutely elated that we defeated potty training!!!! Phil did it, actually. He got ahold of the incentive that sealed the deal - Spiderman tattoos. Press on tattoos that were the reward for doing the business in the office and not in the pants. Suddenly, it clicked. THANK YOU PHIL!!!!!! I was beyond the end of my rope and he got it to click. What a guy!!!

I love that my three year old knows who John McCain is...I'm not sure why he knows that canididate and not the other one, but he does. I love that he still wants to be hugged and kissed in public...nothing is embarrassing...and yet if I ask him to put his shoes on, he can do it. I love that he has a minor conception of time...and if I say "later" or "in 5 minutes" he will indeed remind me that I said we'd do something "later" or "in 5 minutes". I love that he knows his body...and that when something doesn't feel right, he tell me. He grasps the concept of negotiation...and is mastering the art of negotiation just like his mom!! I love that he has definate opinions on what he likes and doesn't like. I love that not only will he sing the nursery rhymes and play songs but he'll also sing along with the radio.

I know that the next age will come and I'll love that one too...but 3.5 is dang fun. I hope that ten years from now, I can still hear his innocent giggling in my head when he's locking himself in his room to get away from me. Think there's still time to make sure he never does that??

Why Having a Common Name Sucks...

2008-10-17T12:25:00.001-07:00

Amy Johnson. In 1977, 'Amy' was third in popularity - following 'Jennifer' and 'Sara(h)'. 'Johnson' is now the second most popular last name to 'Smith'. Combine the two and you have the name I share with at least 25,000 women in the United States. This causes issues in almost every aspect of my life.

In junior high, the principal called my house and informed my parents that I had cut gym class. Little did he know that there were 2 Amy Johnson's. The other one was a year older than me and in the class that ran at the same time by a different teacher. SHE WAS known to skip gym. MY parents got called. When my mom picked me up, she questioned me about it. Luckily we were doing swimming in gym and my hair was still damp to prove to her I was attending class. Little did I know this was not going to be the first time my name was going to get me in trouble.

In college, my mom called me to say that I was getting overdraft notices in the mail constantly and to stop spending money. I hadn't been. We investigaed and found out that a teller gave another Amy Johnson who came into the bank requesting a new ATM card my card encoder and my PIN. She and her new husband cashed out my account traveling thru Europe. My mom helped me to scramble and find all the pay stubs and cancled checks I'd collected that summer to prove the amount of money that was in my account legitimately. Talk about a pain in the ass!!

I've had salons call to confirm apointments that I never made...even my adding my birthdate to pharmacy records doesn't help sometimes...as 3/29/1977 can also leave another Amy Johnson to get confused with. I introduce myself in both business and social settings and someone always says "I know another Amy Johnson"...no kidding.

I am blogging about this because I'm convinced of another issue that is plaging me and I didn't even realize this until now. An 'Amy Johnson' is never going to win a contest. They will never pull "Amy Johnson" out of a hat and announce that she won the best concert tickets from the radio station. Why??? Because it would cause a nightmare for the radio station. They'd have to pay for someone to sit there and sift thru all the 'Amy Johnson's' who'd call thinking they'd won. "Amy Johnson" will never hear her name announced in a crowd saying she's won a new car...5 women will come running.

I have always thought that getting married would be a great thing for me - I could change my name to (hopefully) something less common and my issue would go away...however now I have my son...who when he was born, I THOUGHT I was naming a less common name...come to find out that 'Logan' was the 7th most popular name in 2005. Poor kid...he'll probably never win anything off the radio either...

Sweet Relief...

2008-10-15T09:11:00.001-07:00

I don't know why I do this to myself. I get something on my heart and I stew about it and my brain spins about it and I get myself so worked up over it that I'm basically frozen. I can't think about anything else and yet I can't talk about what is bothering me so much. I get scared that if I talk about it, I'm going to hurt someone's feelings or disappoint them...which is the absolute last thing I want to do to anyone. It gets to the point that have dreams where I am sobbing and trying to talk and nothing comes out of my mouth except air. SO disturbing.

So...there's been something on my heart for months...and I got myself worked into a total tizzy over it. I've been having the dreams. The whole nine yards. I finally got to the end of my rope and said something...let it all out...well...ok I didn't SAY it...but I wrote an email and spilled it. Somehow writing things out allows me to read and reread my statements over and over to make sure it's all coming out the way I want it to. I knew that if I actually SAID the words, I'd either cry or some off mad or upset...which is not the case. I just needed to get some things off my chest.

Know what? Not only did the conversation that stemmed from the email go extremely well, but I feel SO much better. The weight is lifted and everytime I even think about the issue, it seems so much smaller than it did before. WHY did I wait so long? WHY do I do that to myself?? I know the answer. I hate confrontation and I hate tension...and I was so afraid that if I brought up the issue, I'd have to deal with both of those things...and not with just anyone but with someone I love with all my heart. I'm so lucky though...not only did the issues get out in the open, but I was told that I need to speak my mind more...that this person needs me to communicate my thoughts and they won't get upset or mad...they'll be thankful that I didn't turn myself inside out with anxiety before talking about things.

For someone who loves straight-forward communication, I sure know how to muddle things up once in a while!!! At least for now, I can have some relief.

Life's Simplest Pleasures...

2008-10-12T17:10:00.000-07:00

Here is a list of some of my absolute favorite things...

The smell of banana bread baking...

Strong, genuine hugs....

Hearing people you love laugh....

Looking thru old photo albums...

Suprising people with little things...

Phone calls from old friends...

Hearing songs you love but haven't heard in forever...

Laughing so hard your face and abs hurt...

Holding babies...

Pedicures...

A cleansing cry...

Waking up to the coffeepot already full...

Long, hot showers...

Sore muscles after a day of working them...

A glass of yummy wine and a good book...

Chocolate...

Finding money in that winter coat you put away 8 months ago...

Kissing your sweetheart and not thinking about anything else...

Floating in the sunshine on water...

Shaved legs...

Good sushi with good company...

The feeling I get after donating platelets - knowing I just saved someones life...

Hearing my son repeat a story or something I taught him...makes a mom proud...

Sleeping in...

Clean sheets...

Getting a good deal on something I've wanted and waited for...

Hearing I've done a good job....

Spending time with my girlfriends...

Couple questions...

2008-10-08T19:46:00.000-07:00

1. If Americans are getting bigger all the time - heavier and taller and all-around bigger - then why are airplane seats getting smaller and closer together all the time??

2. How come after a nice long and hard workout you don't look as thin as you feel?

3. I've been gone for 6 days - how come Logan's vocabulary and personality grows in the 6 days I'm gone and not in the past 6 weeks I was here??

4. How come sometimes if I don't have my morning coffee, the headache doesn't set in until nighttime?

5. How come every one elses' parents age except mine??

The Last Gorgeous Day...

2008-09-26T10:14:00.000-07:00

It's that last absolutely beautiful day. It's a weird feeling, you know? I'm amazed that it's September 26 and 83 degrees outside...and yet it's bittersweet...because even the weather guy said it's the last one until next summer. I guess I should have faith that it CAN be warm and beautiful outside again before the snow flies...but realistically it's easier to assume this is it. My question is why is the 6 months between October and April so much longer than April to October?

Playing the waiting game....

2008-09-23T17:48:00.001-07:00

Last week, I interviewed for my absolute dream job. The Aveda Corporation is hiring a Global Supplier Relations person in their Packaging area and I have wanted that job for at least 5 years. I know I'd be good at it. I know I would throughly love going to work everyday. I know I would do the company proud. I *should* hear the final decision tomorrow. I have the interview my all. I went in and laid it all out...and the recruiter I'm working thru said I did well...but who knows. To say I'm on pins and needles is a complete understatement. I'm totally obsessed. I cannot sleep. I cannot go five minutes without thinking about this position. I don't know what it would be like to totally LOVE my job...and I know in my heart this is the job that would do that for me. Not only do I totally believe in the company and the concept and the mission of Aveda....but I also believe I was made to do this Global Supplier Relations position. The five county area may hear my shout of rejoice or my release of disappointment tomorrow...