Monday, January 19, 2009

...all from ONE comment...

I have gone from picking out my wedding and bridesmaids dresses to feeling like the bottom of my world has fallen out in a mere 12 hours. I haven't felt this devastated in years, if ever. I don't think one can ever forget the pain of a heartbreak...but I'll tell you this...the pain worsens every time it happens.

I'll back up.

A comment I made lead to a conversation in which the words "I don't know if I'm IN LOVE with you" were said to me. My heart cracked into a million pieces. Although I've been feeling a little off in my relationship lately, I never thought that this would be the outcome. Later on in the same conversation, which involved a lot of tears on both sides, it was decided that we do indeed have something to work on...something special enough to fight for...and that a couple sessions with a counselor might benefit us. At least we'll know that we tried if things don't work out. Of course, after not sleeping a single wink all night, my emotions are on overload and I'm not quite sure what to think anymore.

My question is : Can you fall in love with someone after this much time?

I'm so scared. I AM in love with this man and to hear that it's not mutual is devastating. He loves my son...loves being the man in his life...and I don't doubt that he loves me....but to what level or extent? I am lost. I have never felt this horrible about myself. I have never doubted my actions more than I do right now. I'm trying to focus on the positive - the desire to work things out - but the fear of that not happening is stifleing. The thought of throwing away all the hopes and the dreams I had for us is beyond heartbreaking. I not only fell in love with this man, but with his family too...and his friends...and his life. I need this to work. I need to know he's as committed to making it work as I am. Our conversation last night said he was...a night of no sleep is playing with that statement in my mind.

All I know is that I'm in a place I hoped and prayed I'd never be in again. God help me.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Three Days In...

I started my 2009 upon returning to reality on Sunday night. I know this is probably cheating but there's no way I could have made a committment to myself when I was 'on vacation'.

So today is day #3 of my "Focusing on My Health and Myself" year. I gotta say, I feel pretty dang good about it. I'm drinking my 100 oz. of water a day. I've made it onto the treadmill everyday. I'm making wise food choices. Things are going well.

So why don't I LOOK different??? Gosh, I wish it would fall off as quickly as it can come on.

I think tonight I'm going to do a Detox Tea before bed. At least then, perhaps my gut will feel clean tomorrow.

I think there may be something wrong with me. I have lost my desire to ever leave my house even though my child is driving me insane. My house is an absolute sty. I try to keep up cleaning it but Logan goes behind me and makes a mess of the rooms I have just picked up. I'm on antidepressants but I don't feel like they're working anymore...and my health insurance is 'disaster only' so I can't go to te Family Practice clinic and get more/different meds. I'm seriously starting to see how mental illness can cause serious disasters in people's lives. I'm freaking out about finances constantly now. I NEED something to take my mind off my life.