New Years Resolutions???

History will prove that I'm not good at resolutions. I have made them and by Valentine's Day they are thrown to the way-side. In theory, yes...I do want this upcoming year to be the year that I conquer all my insecurities...transform my body into the one I want...be a better person...become more organized...manage my time better...all the cliche resolutions. Yes, I want them all...but I don't necessarily want to WORK for them. Resolutions sound like something that is supposed to magically happen without any time invested. From experience, I know for fact that I do not change that easily. I wish I did, but I do not.

I started a couple years ago making GOALS for the new year rather than resolutions. Goals seemed to be a better word...something that allows me to be a work in progress rather than that ultimate cut-off of New Year's Day where I'm supposed to wake up this new person. Yes, I need to focus on myself and not feel guilty for that...which in turn will allow me to make my own health a priority. I want to be a better mom. My son deserves the best and right now, I am not giving him the me that he deserves. My sweetheart deserves the best me I can be too.

So there you go. 2009 is going to be the year of me. I will not abandon anyone in this goal...I will just attempt every day to make some time for myself. Everyone deserves that much.

Missing a period of my life...is that weird???

I've had a fun life. Honestly. I can easily name off 5-10 periods of my life where I had an absolute blast. Some of them, I'm happy to say, are wonderful memories. I love the memories but have no desire to relive them. I do, however, have a couple times in my past that I still mourn. I miss the person I was and the things I did like I would miss an important family member.

In high school, I was extremely involved with a church. I was respected by my peers and by my elders. I ushered. I lead confirmation classes. I gave guest sermons. I sang in contemporary music groups. I participated and was a leader in retreats. I felt like my participation in all the activities was important and appreciated and necessary. I felt like my best person when I was singing on the alter or helping ninth graders figure out how they fit into the world.

I graduated and went on to college. Over the course of the next couple years, it came out that a member of the same church - someone I'd shared time with, someone I'd crossed paths with in numerous activities - had raped someone very close to me. i had spent years building relationships and my place within this organization and yet, I couldn't trust them to be decent and civil to someone extremely close to my heart.

I'm STILL very mad about this. I miss the person I was before I knew about the rape. I miss the trusting, involved, participating person I was. I miss the connections I had with this place and the people involved with it. I miss the appreciation and the mission and the passion I had for my church and for my God. I'm angry because there were people within the church that defended the rapist even when they knew something was going on. I'm angry that even when the news of the rape came out, people DEFENDED him and took his side...even when he admitted to it. I'm angry that a judge ordered that he not be involved with any activities in which children under the age of 18 are involved and yet he's allowed to coach and lead groups of kids at church.

I'm SO heartbroken that this person has broken my faith in the one place I found it. I miss that connection. I miss that part of my life.

Christmas Lament...

OK...so this is going to probably get pretty schmaltzy and sentimental...but this time of year makes me get that way...

So Christmas is basically about a baby. God looked down and saw that the world needed help in a major way...and decided to create a little life to make some major changes.

I find this so logical.

I don't care who you are...a baby changes the world. It changes everything about your life. Everything you thought you knew gets turned on it's head...and the life you once lead disappears and suddenly everything revolves around this tiny person...who depends on you for every single thing.

Can you think of a more innocent way to change the world than with a baby? It doesn't matter where you are...when you see a beautiful, tiny baby, you look. You look in awe at the miracle that is life. You peer into the face of a person that has no agenda, no hidden feelings, no opinions, no hate. All they want is love.

I can relate to Mary too. Unmarried and pregnant...all the looks and comments. The feeling that you're doing it all wrong...that your somehow not going to be a worthy mother because that baby doesn't have a 'traditional family'. A man in your life that you know loves you, yet the blessing of marriage is still not there. Sitting in a situation where everything around you is a unknown...I'm familiar. I've been there.

So God sends a baby. An innocent, pure, perfect little person. Of course He did. He loves the world that much. And everything becomes calm and bright. That little perfect face...tiny fingers and toes...that sweet, soft, baby-fine hair. The expectations somehow fade away by looking at that little person...you just KNOW things are going to be OK because you fell completely in love the second you laid eyes on that face. The love will make it OK.

So I decorate my Christmas tree with red heart ornaments. I do this as a symbol that Christmas is about Love. God's love for us. Mary's love for that innocent baby. My love for my son. It's all the same. Love is the reason for the season.

I love Christmas Cards...

I love the holidays for many many reasons...but one of my very favorite parts is receiving Christmas Cards. I love going to the mail box and finding some 'fun' mail in there rather than the typical mail. Now that I'm (gasp) getting older, I love getting cards from my friends who have had kids...I love seeing who the kids are looking like and how big they've gotten. I love that someone took the time to think of my family and I admist the insanity of the season.

I also love to SEND Christmas cards and I love making sure my card is unique...a card that someone will open and say "wow!! This is cool!!". I love letting people know that I love them and that I sincerely hope they have wonderful holidays.

Egocentric Personalities Irritate Me...

My mom has a brother who is 12 years younger than she is. Scott. He was 16 when I was born and was my grandparents "oopsie" baby. The guy has been spoiled since the day he was born. Anything his heart desired as a child, he received...and as a teenager, he became a drug addict. I'm assume that at first, it was just drinking and smoking some weed...but he once told me he'd done every drug there was. He got two different girls pregnant a total of 3 or 4 times and all pregnancies were medically terminated - and my grandmother, a devote Catholic, took care of these girls so they could keep it a secret from their own parents. My uncle is now in his late 40's and is the ultimate vicitim. Nothing is ever his fault....he blames anyone or anything he can for his 'misfortune' of being chronicly poor. Nevermind that he pissed away his share of my grandparents estate...he was given a vehicle AND a house AND a cabin free and clear and no longer has any of those things. He has a fried brain from decades of drug use and the most egocentric personality ever and the very thought of him makes my blood boil.

This was not always the case, however. I used to adore this guy. However after years and years of him disappointing me over and over and over, I have learned that he is as reliable as wet matches and it's best if he is not in my life.

Last summer when I bought my house, my mom suggested that I 'hire' him to help me paint my house before I moved it. He needed the money and I needed the help and so it was going to work out really well, right?? If only. He talked me into painting my ceiling before doing anything else so I went down to Home Depot and got everything we'd need for that project. I also bought a new lock for my door. The short version of this story is that midway thru the job of painting my ceiling, he got angry at a comment I made about how Logan shouldn't have any say in who I date (Logan was 2 at the time) and that as Logan's mom, I wasn't about to introduce him to anyone until I knew there was going to be a future in the relationship. Scott got SO MAD at me for that comment that he stormed out of my house with the ceiling unfinished and the lock on my door 1/2 way finished. I haven't talked to him since.

Fast forward to today. I meet my mom at the mall so we can see Santa and in with her walks Scott. He's now walking with a cane...he's aged probably 5 years in the year and a half it's been since i've seen him...and after he greets Logan, he tries to hug me...and without making a scene or anything, I just quietly say "I have nothing to say to you, Scott" when he comes in for the hug. I then grabbed Logan's hand and off towards Santa we went. He was screaming after me in the mall and I just kept walking...my face burning the entire time.

Now...I am the one with the unfinished house. He's angry I never paid him. Why would i pay for a job left unfinished?? Where I come from, you get paid at the end of services rendered. Then he was yelling about some message I left on his phone?? I haven't even dialed his number since July 17th, 2007...the day this all went down.

I know there's nothing anyone can do. I know that this may never be resolved...and that I might either have to just suck it up and get over it or lose any sort of relationship I ever had with this guy. Is it horrible that I don't care?? I don't think I would shed a tear if I never saw him again. He wore me out. I can't invest anymore time or effort or will to care into him because I don't want to waste any energy on the disappointment. I struggle more with what everyone else will think if I 'cut him out' than what he will think. I know my grandparents are looking down at me and shaking their heads...but I can't tell if they're shaking at me or at Scott. They're not here to bail him out now. And everytime I look at my ceiling, I silently cuss out Scott...fucking asshole.

yeah, yeah...Happy Holidays...now get out of my Frickin' way!!!

I do love this time of year. I love making plans with family and friends to celebrate simply the fact that you have each other. I love all the various kinds of foods...all the traditions...all the holiday craziness we all get sucked into every year.

Along with all the craziness is, actual CRAZY-ness. People. Are. Crazy. Today, I'm running around doing my own pre-Thanksgiving errands, one being filling up my tank at CostCo. From the other side of the pump, I'm hearing a string of explictives that even a sailor would raise a brow to coming from a 75+ year old lady who is struggling to get the pump to work for her. Now, I'm a nice person...and typically I would have peeked around the pump to offer some help...however after listening her cuss out the touchpad, I no longer wanted to get involved. Does frustration just set in faster within a week of a Holiday? I just hopped in my car and went on to my next stop...being the grocery store. I knew by the looks of the parking lot that this was not the wisest move...but the decision between just doing it in the afternoon or waiting and bring my 3.5 year old later in the evening just seemed obvious...so in I went. Word to the wise - SET YOUR ALARM AND HIT THE 24 HOUR STORE AT 2AM. Perhaps, just maybe, possibly, it will be slightly less busy than what I experienced today. And another piece of advice?? HEY CUB FOODS - Do NOT feed the animals the week of Thanksgiving...and please please please never set up a sample station at the end of the baking isle again the week of a holiday. You caused complete shopping cart gridlock. People cannot eat samples and drive a cart...so they'd take their sample and come down the baking isle to simply stop and enjoy it with no regard to those around them. It seems from my experience today, the age of the shopper also effects their conscienceness of those around them trying to do their own shopping. Would the thought ever cross the mind of a 65-70 year old lady that you could pull AHEAD of the brown sugar and then turn around to look at it rather than block the entire selection with your cart while you stare at the 4 various brands before making your choice???

Now, at least I was shopping alone. I was not one of the fellow moms in the store who were toting child(ren). However, if your children have outgrown the cart, please give them new rules...like please give the OTHER carts right of way...and please stick close to your chaperone. Shuffling next to your mother's cart, refusing to move from her side does me no good when trying to pass you in the ethnic foods isle.

Like I said...I DO enjoy the holidays...and I'm fully responsible for procrastinating my errands until the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and bringing all this upon myself. I just urge you, fellow bloggers and blog readers...if you could give mankind a gift this holiday season - please be more self-aware when out in public. I know your list is important, but is not paying attention to others in your path part of the deal?? I know my heals would appreciate if you were aware that you are not the only one pushing a cart around at Mach5 on a busy afternoon. We're all trying to make our holidays wonderful and memorable...and if I have to deal with society like I did today one more time - I might just go postal!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!

My Least Favorite Phrase...

I love language. I love words...I love to read them and sing them and say them. I love poetry. I love novels. I love cliches. I love Shakespeare. I even kind of enjoyed Chaucer. I love words in other languages...Italian being one of my favorites. I once sang an aria for a vocal competition in Italian and I swear, my voice sounded better in that language than in my own. I love words said in whispers...I love phrases shouted from under bridges so they echo. I love baby babble that sounds like they understand perfectly what they are saying complete with inflection and passion and question marks and explaination points. I love my son's voice - 99% of the time...even when he has said "Hey momma?" for the ten-thousandth time that day.

There is one thing he says, however, that makes me cringe and roll my eyes everytime.

"Momma!!! Come Wipe ME!!!"

Oh god. Yes, I have one of those kids. I have one of those kids that yells that phrase and I hate it. The catch 22 is that if I tell him to stop or if I teach him to do it himself, it's not going to get done right and then I'll have a whole new set of problems to deal with...so until I can be assured that the job back there will be done up to my standards, I have THAT kid. So gross. So frickin' classy, right?? You have the girls over for a glass of wine or you and your honey are snuggling on the couch and and from the back of the house you hear "hey momma??? MOMMA??? Mooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmaaaahhhhhhh!! Come wipe me, Momma!!!!! I'm Done And I need you to wipe my butt". I know it's normal and lots of moms deal with it. I hate it. makes me crazy.

Tis the Season to be Thankful...

It's so easy to get caught up in the negative lately....with the ongoing war that seems neverending...the economy...the housing and job markets...things all around us are grim. I received an email from my cousin last week that listed out all the things that seem negative but are really positive - I am thankful for tight clothes because it means I have more than enough to eat....I am thankful for my housework because it means I have a home to live in...I'm thankful for my bills because it means I have warmth, water, electricity and all the other things I need to live comfortably. I'm really REALLY trying to focus on those little annoyances that are really blessings.

Yes, I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, the health of my son and myself, my sweetheart...I have a home and a car...blessings abound...however there's always the desire for more, isn't there? A better paying/more prestigous job...a better body...more money in the savings account. It's so easy to lose sight of the small blessings of everyday.

My life is good...so much better than it was 5 years or 2 years ago. God has a plan...

Love being in Love...

Most days, I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world. There was a time - not all that long ago - where I was pretty certain that I'd go thru the rest of my life with Logan...just the two of us...and I'd be destined to die alone. Pretty much as soon as I resigned to that fact and came to terms with it, a man came into my life and changed my song. The blues became love songs. The clouds parted and sweet sunshine shined on me. The warmth of being loved continues to wrap itself around my heart daily. I'm blessed.

I met this amazing person in an uncommon way...but of course, I don't really DO things the typical way anyway. From that very first date, I knew I'd found someone special...someone who was amazingly even-keel, mellow, kind and sweet. Someone who didn't just listen to me, but heard what I had to say. My heart still flutters when I think back to that first few weeks...those days when I was dying to see if he'd call again...praying he would...counting down the hours until I could see him again. The best part about our relationship, even 14 months later?? I still feel that way!! I see his name on my cell phone and I get butterflies. He walks thru the door and I smile...just because he's coming towards me. I still love all those things I noticed the very first day...the mellowness, the fact that he is so slow to anger and so quick to forgive, his kindness and his sensitivity. What I didn't know on that first date was that he's never had a relationship with a woman last more than 4 months. I didn't know that I was the first girl he'd ever bring to a holiday with this family. I also didn't know how amazing his family is...how they would welcome me and my son with open hearts and arms as if we'd always been a part of their family.

Unlike this love of my life, I have been in long-term relationships before...relationships that were WORK and that seemed HARD...like most of the time, I was asking myself what the point of being with this person was if I spent most of my time feeling crappy about myself or questioning the motives of the person on the other half of the relationship. Now, I'm not naive. I realize that this man I am with and I WILL have rough times. I know that it won't always be sunshine and butterflies...but I also know that as a team, we do pretty dang well. We communicate in respectful conversations and our fights are very few and far between (2 in 14 months).

I consider myself extremely lucky. I may have had to wait 30 years for this man to come into my life...and he may have had to wait 35 years....however I firmly believe that the cosmos had an agenda unknown to me. I needed to go thru all the crappy relationships to appreciate how wonderful a relationship can be when both parties are respectful of the other. This man had to experience many short relationships to appreciate how wonderful it is to have someone there - thru the good and the bad...thru the thick and the thin...thru the clouds and the sun. They say Timing is everything...and after all this time and all these experiences....I believe that cliche....

Loving 3.5 years old!!!

I have loved every stage my son has gone thru. I loved the innocence and helplessness of a newborn...I loved the 'every day is something new' of an infant. I loved the toddler for being between baby and big kid...but I'm tellin' ya...this 3 year old phase is a blast. No longer do we need gear to go somewhere...the stroller, the big diaper bag, the snacks, all of it is a thing of the past. There is nothing he can't eat...nothing he can't do. And the best part is that he'll TELL me if he has any concerns...or opinions...or daydreams...or anything else, as that self-editting feature in his brain is not yet connected. We can have conversations that go from what he did in school to what he did last Christmas Eve to what he wants for breakfast the next morning in almost one breath!! I'm also absolutely elated that we defeated potty training!!!! Phil did it, actually. He got ahold of the incentive that sealed the deal - Spiderman tattoos. Press on tattoos that were the reward for doing the business in the office and not in the pants. Suddenly, it clicked. THANK YOU PHIL!!!!!! I was beyond the end of my rope and he got it to click. What a guy!!!

I love that my three year old knows who John McCain is...I'm not sure why he knows that canididate and not the other one, but he does. I love that he still wants to be hugged and kissed in public...nothing is embarrassing...and yet if I ask him to put his shoes on, he can do it. I love that he has a minor conception of time...and if I say "later" or "in 5 minutes" he will indeed remind me that I said we'd do something "later" or "in 5 minutes". I love that he knows his body...and that when something doesn't feel right, he tell me. He grasps the concept of negotiation...and is mastering the art of negotiation just like his mom!! I love that he has definate opinions on what he likes and doesn't like. I love that not only will he sing the nursery rhymes and play songs but he'll also sing along with the radio.

I know that the next age will come and I'll love that one too...but 3.5 is dang fun. I hope that ten years from now, I can still hear his innocent giggling in my head when he's locking himself in his room to get away from me. Think there's still time to make sure he never does that??

Why Having a Common Name Sucks...

Amy Johnson. In 1977, 'Amy' was third in popularity - following 'Jennifer' and 'Sara(h)'. 'Johnson' is now the second most popular last name to 'Smith'. Combine the two and you have the name I share with at least 25,000 women in the United States. This causes issues in almost every aspect of my life.

In junior high, the principal called my house and informed my parents that I had cut gym class. Little did he know that there were 2 Amy Johnson's. The other one was a year older than me and in the class that ran at the same time by a different teacher. SHE WAS known to skip gym. MY parents got called. When my mom picked me up, she questioned me about it. Luckily we were doing swimming in gym and my hair was still damp to prove to her I was attending class. Little did I know this was not going to be the first time my name was going to get me in trouble.

In college, my mom called me to say that I was getting overdraft notices in the mail constantly and to stop spending money. I hadn't been. We investigaed and found out that a teller gave another Amy Johnson who came into the bank requesting a new ATM card my card encoder and my PIN. She and her new husband cashed out my account traveling thru Europe. My mom helped me to scramble and find all the pay stubs and cancled checks I'd collected that summer to prove the amount of money that was in my account legitimately. Talk about a pain in the ass!!

I've had salons call to confirm apointments that I never made...even my adding my birthdate to pharmacy records doesn't help sometimes...as 3/29/1977 can also leave another Amy Johnson to get confused with. I introduce myself in both business and social settings and someone always says "I know another Amy Johnson"...no kidding.

I am blogging about this because I'm convinced of another issue that is plaging me and I didn't even realize this until now. An 'Amy Johnson' is never going to win a contest. They will never pull "Amy Johnson" out of a hat and announce that she won the best concert tickets from the radio station. Why??? Because it would cause a nightmare for the radio station. They'd have to pay for someone to sit there and sift thru all the 'Amy Johnson's' who'd call thinking they'd won. "Amy Johnson" will never hear her name announced in a crowd saying she's won a new car...5 women will come running.

I have always thought that getting married would be a great thing for me - I could change my name to (hopefully) something less common and my issue would go away...however now I have my son...who when he was born, I THOUGHT I was naming a less common name...come to find out that 'Logan' was the 7th most popular name in 2005. Poor kid...he'll probably never win anything off the radio either...

Sweet Relief...

I don't know why I do this to myself. I get something on my heart and I stew about it and my brain spins about it and I get myself so worked up over it that I'm basically frozen. I can't think about anything else and yet I can't talk about what is bothering me so much. I get scared that if I talk about it, I'm going to hurt someone's feelings or disappoint them...which is the absolute last thing I want to do to anyone. It gets to the point that have dreams where I am sobbing and trying to talk and nothing comes out of my mouth except air. SO disturbing.

So...there's been something on my heart for months...and I got myself worked into a total tizzy over it. I've been having the dreams. The whole nine yards. I finally got to the end of my rope and said something...let it all out...well...ok I didn't SAY it...but I wrote an email and spilled it. Somehow writing things out allows me to read and reread my statements over and over to make sure it's all coming out the way I want it to. I knew that if I actually SAID the words, I'd either cry or some off mad or upset...which is not the case. I just needed to get some things off my chest.

Know what? Not only did the conversation that stemmed from the email go extremely well, but I feel SO much better. The weight is lifted and everytime I even think about the issue, it seems so much smaller than it did before. WHY did I wait so long? WHY do I do that to myself?? I know the answer. I hate confrontation and I hate tension...and I was so afraid that if I brought up the issue, I'd have to deal with both of those things...and not with just anyone but with someone I love with all my heart. I'm so lucky though...not only did the issues get out in the open, but I was told that I need to speak my mind more...that this person needs me to communicate my thoughts and they won't get upset or mad...they'll be thankful that I didn't turn myself inside out with anxiety before talking about things.

For someone who loves straight-forward communication, I sure know how to muddle things up once in a while!!! At least for now, I can have some relief.

Life's Simplest Pleasures...

Here is a list of some of my absolute favorite things...

The smell of banana bread baking...

Strong, genuine hugs....

Hearing people you love laugh....

Looking thru old photo albums...

Suprising people with little things...

Phone calls from old friends...

Hearing songs you love but haven't heard in forever...

Laughing so hard your face and abs hurt...

Holding babies...

Pedicures...

A cleansing cry...

Waking up to the coffeepot already full...

Long, hot showers...

Sore muscles after a day of working them...

A glass of yummy wine and a good book...

Chocolate...

Finding money in that winter coat you put away 8 months ago...

Kissing your sweetheart and not thinking about anything else...

Floating in the sunshine on water...

Shaved legs...

Good sushi with good company...

The feeling I get after donating platelets - knowing I just saved someones life...

Hearing my son repeat a story or something I taught him...makes a mom proud...

Sleeping in...

Clean sheets...

Getting a good deal on something I've wanted and waited for...

Hearing I've done a good job....

Spending time with my girlfriends...

Couple questions...

1. If Americans are getting bigger all the time - heavier and taller and all-around bigger - then why are airplane seats getting smaller and closer together all the time??

2. How come after a nice long and hard workout you don't look as thin as you feel?

3. I've been gone for 6 days - how come Logan's vocabulary and personality grows in the 6 days I'm gone and not in the past 6 weeks I was here??

4. How come sometimes if I don't have my morning coffee, the headache doesn't set in until nighttime?

5. How come every one elses' parents age except mine??

The Last Gorgeous Day...

It's that last absolutely beautiful day. It's a weird feeling, you know? I'm amazed that it's September 26 and 83 degrees outside...and yet it's bittersweet...because even the weather guy said it's the last one until next summer. I guess I should have faith that it CAN be warm and beautiful outside again before the snow flies...but realistically it's easier to assume this is it. My question is why is the 6 months between October and April so much longer than April to October?

Playing the waiting game....

Last week, I interviewed for my absolute dream job. The Aveda Corporation is hiring a Global Supplier Relations person in their Packaging area and I have wanted that job for at least 5 years. I know I'd be good at it. I know I would throughly love going to work everyday. I know I would do the company proud. I *should* hear the final decision tomorrow. I have the interview my all. I went in and laid it all out...and the recruiter I'm working thru said I did well...but who knows. To say I'm on pins and needles is a complete understatement. I'm totally obsessed. I cannot sleep. I cannot go five minutes without thinking about this position. I don't know what it would be like to totally LOVE my job...and I know in my heart this is the job that would do that for me. Not only do I totally believe in the company and the concept and the mission of Aveda....but I also believe I was made to do this Global Supplier Relations position. The five county area may hear my shout of rejoice or my release of disappointment tomorrow...