Thank you GOD for my son...

I just have to say that lately more than usual, I look at my child and I cannot believe he is mine. I know that sounds schmaltzy and so cliche, but it's so unbelieveably true. I've always known I was blessed with a good looking child. I thank GOD for that every day...that I had a complication-free pregnancy, a very easy delivery and a beautiful, healthy baby. Only now, my baby is almost 4. And he's cuter and smarter than I ever could have dreamed he would be. The things that come out of his mouth and out of his head make me laugh (or cry, depending on the material...). He's at an age now where he ASKS about things...and comes up the the sweetest things to say. The latest one to wring my heart out a little bit was something he said last weekend. We were driving in the car and he said "Momma...do you know what I want to be when I grow up??" This is a tricky question because it changes hourly...doctor...fireman...chef...baker. I secretly think he could be a politician or an actor or a musician...but I humor him and say "No Logibear....what do you want to be when you grow up?" He replies without a care in the world "A daddy. I want to be a daddy.".

Oh my gosh my heart hurts. The kid who doesn't HAVE a daddy wants to be one. He already knows this. And he's not even 4.

Sometimes I wish I could read his mind...and know what his heart and head think about this 'no daddy' business. Does it even cross his mind as weird or do i just make that up in my head? My reply has always been "some kids don't have daddies" when the topic comes up in my house...and I change the subject. But how long will that pacify him? I have no idea.

I'm just so in love with my son (when I don't want to wring his neck). he couldn't be any cuter or smarter or more entertaining.

Cupid's Spirit Week...

I know. February 14th is just a day, right? It's jut a date on a calendar page...like August 10th...only special to those who have special meaning behind that day. Well...for ME...Valentine's Day is special for a different reason. I'm extremely superstitious about it's powers...and the bad luck it brings me.

I'm one of the most romantic souls you will ever meet. I love to love...I love to be loved and spread love and tell those I love that I love them. I love, in theory, that there's a day devoted to expressing love to others.

Unfortunately, Valentine's Day brings bad memories for me. In the third grade, we had secret Valentine's pals. We had to hand make a gift for this person. I made my Valentine a heart shaped cake. The little boy I had a crush on the entire year had drawn my name and made me an adorable heart-shaped, hand painted box. I got sick and not only had to stiff the person who was going to receive my cake, but I never got to open my gift from my crush. In the seventh grade, I was 'going with' a boy who I really really liked (and we went out from September until June, which is like being married for ten years when you're in the seventh grade) and he sent me roses to my homeroom. Again, I had a migraine and was home sick. he left the flowers with the homeroom teacher and I never got them. Another one bites the dust.

In high school, I asked a guy to our Sweetheart Dance (which fell on Valentine's Day) and he originally said yes...until another, better option came along...and I got declined.

In college, I got cheated on on Valentine's Day. I waited up all night for my boyfriend to come over after he got off work. He never came. In the morning when he finally answered his phone, he told me he'd spent the night at Destiney's house. Nice. Thanks so much.

Another guy I had dated for over a year and I broke up on Valentine's Day. I had dropped the hint and even offered to buy tickets to a Wild Game for the big day...and not only did he say "no...I have something else in mind" but when the night came, he had NoTHING planned...and after watching him watch TV for a couple hours acting like nothing was wrong, I packed up my things and left...for good.

When I waited tables, I spent many Valentine's nights waiting on lovers who spent the evening eating off of each other's forks and sharing bottles of wine and rich desserts. I was 'in' on a couple Valentine's Day proposals. For the romantic in me, I was more than the 'bitter, party of one'???

Last year, however...the cycle was broken. After dating someone for 5.5 months, he got it...and that made me love him even more. It's not a day all about me. I never wanted that. I just wanted one thing to happen to let me know that yes, I love you, and yes, I appreciate you and yes, I may not understand the importanace of this day but I DO understand that it's important to you so I'll take you out someplace nice. And he did. We tried The Blue Point in Wayzata and it was amazing...and I was finally one of those couples I'd waited on so many times...and I ordered wine and a wonderful Swordfish and savored every bite. I got a wonderfully sweet card that now lives attached to my sun visor in my car so everytime I look up, I see it...my reminder that he cares...and I got a present that I use on a very regular basis...practical yet thoughtful. I met the man who understands me. The best Valentine of all.

I love you, Phil.

Prayers Answered and otherwise...

Ever think it's funny that you can go for days or even weeks with nothing major going on in the lives around you...and then all of a sudden a cosmic explosion happens and it pours?

Some friends of ours had their son, Adam, on January 6th. He as born at 26 weeks and tipped the scale at 1 pound 13 ounces the night he arrived. Adam got dealt a bunk deck to absolutely no fault of his or anyone elses' own. His mom found out in the process of trying to get pregnant that she only has half a uterus...so his quarters were a mystery as to how long they'd last before he needed more space. The 20 week ultrasound showed a cleft lip and palate, which on a full-term baby is an easily treated condition but on a premie, it causes issues. His little lungs never had a chance to develop and his life on a ventilator was a series of roller coaster rides of oxygen desaturation levels. Then in the last 36 hours, his bowels decided to give up and after a surgery to repair that damage, Adam's little tiny body gave up and he became an angel at 5am today.

My heart is breaking for our friends. These two are going to be the most amazing parents. Their love and humor and faith for each other, for their marriage, and for life makes them such an amazing couple. When we learned of their pregnancy, my heart leapt as I knew this was an answered prayer for them. As the pregnancy progressed, my excitement for them and for the awesome journey they were on was also progressing. They don't deserve to have it turn out this way!!! They don't deserve all of this!! They deserve to be like all of the other couples I know - who enter the hospital one day and leave three days later with a healthy baby!!!

The same day, today, that I learn of this devastating news, I also learn that another couple I know who struggled with infertility has been approved on all the necessary paperwork for the adoption of their third child from Columbia. They leave on Thursday to travel to Bodega to pick up their son, Samuel, who will be one year old on March 3. This was prayers answered, as adoption paperwork is a very long, frusterating and time consuming process which we have all been thru with them twice before with their older two children. Their family becomes complete on Thursday...the day we'll probably be traveling to Madison, WI for the funeral of another baby.

Why does this happen? Why does it seem that God chooses who to bless and who gets the roughest road possible?? There's a seperate heaven for children...or so they say...and I'm sure it's an amazing place. I just wish there was one less angel there...his parents miss him already too much....