New Years Resolutions???

History will prove that I'm not good at resolutions. I have made them and by Valentine's Day they are thrown to the way-side. In theory, yes...I do want this upcoming year to be the year that I conquer all my insecurities...transform my body into the one I want...be a better person...become more organized...manage my time better...all the cliche resolutions. Yes, I want them all...but I don't necessarily want to WORK for them. Resolutions sound like something that is supposed to magically happen without any time invested. From experience, I know for fact that I do not change that easily. I wish I did, but I do not.

I started a couple years ago making GOALS for the new year rather than resolutions. Goals seemed to be a better word...something that allows me to be a work in progress rather than that ultimate cut-off of New Year's Day where I'm supposed to wake up this new person. Yes, I need to focus on myself and not feel guilty for that...which in turn will allow me to make my own health a priority. I want to be a better mom. My son deserves the best and right now, I am not giving him the me that he deserves. My sweetheart deserves the best me I can be too.

So there you go. 2009 is going to be the year of me. I will not abandon anyone in this goal...I will just attempt every day to make some time for myself. Everyone deserves that much.

Missing a period of my life...is that weird???

I've had a fun life. Honestly. I can easily name off 5-10 periods of my life where I had an absolute blast. Some of them, I'm happy to say, are wonderful memories. I love the memories but have no desire to relive them. I do, however, have a couple times in my past that I still mourn. I miss the person I was and the things I did like I would miss an important family member.

In high school, I was extremely involved with a church. I was respected by my peers and by my elders. I ushered. I lead confirmation classes. I gave guest sermons. I sang in contemporary music groups. I participated and was a leader in retreats. I felt like my participation in all the activities was important and appreciated and necessary. I felt like my best person when I was singing on the alter or helping ninth graders figure out how they fit into the world.

I graduated and went on to college. Over the course of the next couple years, it came out that a member of the same church - someone I'd shared time with, someone I'd crossed paths with in numerous activities - had raped someone very close to me. i had spent years building relationships and my place within this organization and yet, I couldn't trust them to be decent and civil to someone extremely close to my heart.

I'm STILL very mad about this. I miss the person I was before I knew about the rape. I miss the trusting, involved, participating person I was. I miss the connections I had with this place and the people involved with it. I miss the appreciation and the mission and the passion I had for my church and for my God. I'm angry because there were people within the church that defended the rapist even when they knew something was going on. I'm angry that even when the news of the rape came out, people DEFENDED him and took his side...even when he admitted to it. I'm angry that a judge ordered that he not be involved with any activities in which children under the age of 18 are involved and yet he's allowed to coach and lead groups of kids at church.

I'm SO heartbroken that this person has broken my faith in the one place I found it. I miss that connection. I miss that part of my life.

Christmas Lament...

OK...so this is going to probably get pretty schmaltzy and sentimental...but this time of year makes me get that way...

So Christmas is basically about a baby. God looked down and saw that the world needed help in a major way...and decided to create a little life to make some major changes.

I find this so logical.

I don't care who you are...a baby changes the world. It changes everything about your life. Everything you thought you knew gets turned on it's head...and the life you once lead disappears and suddenly everything revolves around this tiny person...who depends on you for every single thing.

Can you think of a more innocent way to change the world than with a baby? It doesn't matter where you are...when you see a beautiful, tiny baby, you look. You look in awe at the miracle that is life. You peer into the face of a person that has no agenda, no hidden feelings, no opinions, no hate. All they want is love.

I can relate to Mary too. Unmarried and pregnant...all the looks and comments. The feeling that you're doing it all wrong...that your somehow not going to be a worthy mother because that baby doesn't have a 'traditional family'. A man in your life that you know loves you, yet the blessing of marriage is still not there. Sitting in a situation where everything around you is a unknown...I'm familiar. I've been there.

So God sends a baby. An innocent, pure, perfect little person. Of course He did. He loves the world that much. And everything becomes calm and bright. That little perfect face...tiny fingers and toes...that sweet, soft, baby-fine hair. The expectations somehow fade away by looking at that little person...you just KNOW things are going to be OK because you fell completely in love the second you laid eyes on that face. The love will make it OK.

So I decorate my Christmas tree with red heart ornaments. I do this as a symbol that Christmas is about Love. God's love for us. Mary's love for that innocent baby. My love for my son. It's all the same. Love is the reason for the season.

I love Christmas Cards...

I love the holidays for many many reasons...but one of my very favorite parts is receiving Christmas Cards. I love going to the mail box and finding some 'fun' mail in there rather than the typical mail. Now that I'm (gasp) getting older, I love getting cards from my friends who have had kids...I love seeing who the kids are looking like and how big they've gotten. I love that someone took the time to think of my family and I admist the insanity of the season.

I also love to SEND Christmas cards and I love making sure my card is unique...a card that someone will open and say "wow!! This is cool!!". I love letting people know that I love them and that I sincerely hope they have wonderful holidays.

Egocentric Personalities Irritate Me...

My mom has a brother who is 12 years younger than she is. Scott. He was 16 when I was born and was my grandparents "oopsie" baby. The guy has been spoiled since the day he was born. Anything his heart desired as a child, he received...and as a teenager, he became a drug addict. I'm assume that at first, it was just drinking and smoking some weed...but he once told me he'd done every drug there was. He got two different girls pregnant a total of 3 or 4 times and all pregnancies were medically terminated - and my grandmother, a devote Catholic, took care of these girls so they could keep it a secret from their own parents. My uncle is now in his late 40's and is the ultimate vicitim. Nothing is ever his fault....he blames anyone or anything he can for his 'misfortune' of being chronicly poor. Nevermind that he pissed away his share of my grandparents estate...he was given a vehicle AND a house AND a cabin free and clear and no longer has any of those things. He has a fried brain from decades of drug use and the most egocentric personality ever and the very thought of him makes my blood boil.

This was not always the case, however. I used to adore this guy. However after years and years of him disappointing me over and over and over, I have learned that he is as reliable as wet matches and it's best if he is not in my life.

Last summer when I bought my house, my mom suggested that I 'hire' him to help me paint my house before I moved it. He needed the money and I needed the help and so it was going to work out really well, right?? If only. He talked me into painting my ceiling before doing anything else so I went down to Home Depot and got everything we'd need for that project. I also bought a new lock for my door. The short version of this story is that midway thru the job of painting my ceiling, he got angry at a comment I made about how Logan shouldn't have any say in who I date (Logan was 2 at the time) and that as Logan's mom, I wasn't about to introduce him to anyone until I knew there was going to be a future in the relationship. Scott got SO MAD at me for that comment that he stormed out of my house with the ceiling unfinished and the lock on my door 1/2 way finished. I haven't talked to him since.

Fast forward to today. I meet my mom at the mall so we can see Santa and in with her walks Scott. He's now walking with a cane...he's aged probably 5 years in the year and a half it's been since i've seen him...and after he greets Logan, he tries to hug me...and without making a scene or anything, I just quietly say "I have nothing to say to you, Scott" when he comes in for the hug. I then grabbed Logan's hand and off towards Santa we went. He was screaming after me in the mall and I just kept walking...my face burning the entire time.

Now...I am the one with the unfinished house. He's angry I never paid him. Why would i pay for a job left unfinished?? Where I come from, you get paid at the end of services rendered. Then he was yelling about some message I left on his phone?? I haven't even dialed his number since July 17th, 2007...the day this all went down.

I know there's nothing anyone can do. I know that this may never be resolved...and that I might either have to just suck it up and get over it or lose any sort of relationship I ever had with this guy. Is it horrible that I don't care?? I don't think I would shed a tear if I never saw him again. He wore me out. I can't invest anymore time or effort or will to care into him because I don't want to waste any energy on the disappointment. I struggle more with what everyone else will think if I 'cut him out' than what he will think. I know my grandparents are looking down at me and shaking their heads...but I can't tell if they're shaking at me or at Scott. They're not here to bail him out now. And everytime I look at my ceiling, I silently cuss out Scott...fucking asshole.