I don't know why I do this to myself. I get something on my heart and I stew about it and my brain spins about it and I get myself so worked up over it that I'm basically frozen. I can't think about anything else and yet I can't talk about what is bothering me so much. I get scared that if I talk about it, I'm going to hurt someone's feelings or disappoint them...which is the absolute last thing I want to do to anyone. It gets to the point that have dreams where I am sobbing and trying to talk and nothing comes out of my mouth except air. SO disturbing.
So...there's been something on my heart for months...and I got myself worked into a total tizzy over it. I've been having the dreams. The whole nine yards. I finally got to the end of my rope and said something...let it all out...well...ok I didn't SAY it...but I wrote an email and spilled it. Somehow writing things out allows me to read and reread my statements over and over to make sure it's all coming out the way I want it to. I knew that if I actually SAID the words, I'd either cry or some off mad or upset...which is not the case. I just needed to get some things off my chest.
Know what? Not only did the conversation that stemmed from the email go extremely well, but I feel SO much better. The weight is lifted and everytime I even think about the issue, it seems so much smaller than it did before. WHY did I wait so long? WHY do I do that to myself?? I know the answer. I hate confrontation and I hate tension...and I was so afraid that if I brought up the issue, I'd have to deal with both of those things...and not with just anyone but with someone I love with all my heart. I'm so lucky though...not only did the issues get out in the open, but I was told that I need to speak my mind more...that this person needs me to communicate my thoughts and they won't get upset or mad...they'll be thankful that I didn't turn myself inside out with anxiety before talking about things.
For someone who loves straight-forward communication, I sure know how to muddle things up once in a while!!! At least for now, I can have some relief.
A New Chapter
1 year ago