I've had a fun life. Honestly. I can easily name off 5-10 periods of my life where I had an absolute blast. Some of them, I'm happy to say, are wonderful memories. I love the memories but have no desire to relive them. I do, however, have a couple times in my past that I still mourn. I miss the person I was and the things I did like I would miss an important family member.
In high school, I was extremely involved with a church. I was respected by my peers and by my elders. I ushered. I lead confirmation classes. I gave guest sermons. I sang in contemporary music groups. I participated and was a leader in retreats. I felt like my participation in all the activities was important and appreciated and necessary. I felt like my best person when I was singing on the alter or helping ninth graders figure out how they fit into the world.
I graduated and went on to college. Over the course of the next couple years, it came out that a member of the same church - someone I'd shared time with, someone I'd crossed paths with in numerous activities - had raped someone very close to me. i had spent years building relationships and my place within this organization and yet, I couldn't trust them to be decent and civil to someone extremely close to my heart.
I'm STILL very mad about this. I miss the person I was before I knew about the rape. I miss the trusting, involved, participating person I was. I miss the connections I had with this place and the people involved with it. I miss the appreciation and the mission and the passion I had for my church and for my God. I'm angry because there were people within the church that defended the rapist even when they knew something was going on. I'm angry that even when the news of the rape came out, people DEFENDED him and took his side...even when he admitted to it. I'm angry that a judge ordered that he not be involved with any activities in which children under the age of 18 are involved and yet he's allowed to coach and lead groups of kids at church.
I'm SO heartbroken that this person has broken my faith in the one place I found it. I miss that connection. I miss that part of my life.
A New Chapter
1 year ago