EMPLOYED!!!!

It's been a day of ups and downs, but it's ending on a fabulous high note. I was extended an offer from a company I am very excited to work for this afternoon and I'll be accepting it in the morning, therefore ending my year of unemployment.

The wave of relief I am feeling is amazing. I am breathing deeper than I have in months and I have a feeling a fabulous night's sleep is ahead of me.

I can't help but wonder, however, if there is a connection between Phil and I finally attending church together yesterday for the first time as a couple (outside of Christmas) and me getting this offer today?? We picked out an ELCA Lutheran church - which also happens to house the new preschool Logan started this week - and began our journey together. Being raised Catholic and attending a Lutheran college, I knew I wanted to be at a church with a traditional service but I also wanted Phil to be comfortable...and since he was raised ELCA, that's the direction we went. The message on Sunday was about hospitality...Pentacost Sunday when Jesus turned the water into wine at a wedding...and it was kind of fitting because we were hosting Phil's parents all weekend - who also attended church with us - and we headed to my parents house for brunch immediately following church - which was also an expression of hospitality. I didn't pray about my job situation necessarily yesterday morning...I just prayed for an open heart and for patience (kind of a mantra for me lately). Today, I get the offer. I'm just sayin'...

Good Shepherd...I think you'll be seeing this family again. We felt your hospitality and will be returning to share our Sunday morning with you again.

God...thanks for smiling on me today...

10 years ago...

Some days more than others, I miss college. I miss just about every aspect of my life from back then. I can vividly remember being IN college and being overwhelmed with what my life entailed, but compared to 'Real Life', it was a cakewalk and I didn't even know it.

I attended Concordia College in Moorhead, MN for four years. In the summer of 1995, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I did NOT want to go to college. I did NOT want to be 4 hours from home. I did NOT want to be that far from my mom and my life in Edina. I was scared to death of the future and I had never been forced to completely change my life the way I would be as an incoming Freshman. I'd never been a kid who loved being away from home - I didn't even like summer camp - so that was my biggest apprehension. I didn't want to be away from MY HOUSE. I can remember my mom promising me that I had to go until Christmas break. If I was still struggling and homesick by then, she'd consider letting me transfer. When it's mid-August and you're 18 years old, Christmas seems like an eternity away. Everytime I thought about getting left at college, I would panic. My stomach would take a ride on a tilt-a-whirl and my head would feel all airy and my eyes would fill with tears. I was not looking forward to this new adventure.

After a few hours on campus, I was still nervous as hell. My orientation leaders showed up and escorted me away to the evenings' activities and I didn't realize I wouldn't see my mom again...so her good-bye to me was in the form of a Post-it on my computer screen. I should have saved it...but in retrospect, it was the perfect way for her to say goodbye...otherwise I dont' know if I would have stayed the night in my new dorm room. The days preceeding the beginning of classes passed and I made friends. Good friends. Friends I still communicate with regularily and frequently. Freshman year was the longest of the four...it passed slower and dragged out the furthest...however after the survival of those 9 months (which included the coldest snap the F/M area had endured in over 65 years with one weekends windchills bottoming out at -85 F) I was home and done with my first year of college. And it was FUN.

I loved having my friends walking distance away (even in a blizzard!!)...if not next door. I loved partying all night and heading over to dining service for an all-you-can-eat brunch buffet that was all cooked and I didn't have to do more cleaning up than getting my tray to the dish area. I loved having my only responsibilities be class and homework. I loved getting ready for the day or to go out at night with my girlfriends. Here's one for you - we used to mix up HUGE drinks and drink them in the shower as we were getting ready to go out. It was awesome!!! I miss rolling out of bed to go to class in a baseball hat and flannel pants...yet getting showered and made-up to go to the library. I miss having a debit card that I used for Diet Coke and snacks and other various things at the Korn Krib...and if they didnt' have it there (meaning if I couldn't purchase it with my student ID) I didn't really need it. On weekends, I could go to the campus ATM and withdraw $10 and that was enough cash to buy a pack of cigerettes and cups for Friday AND Saturday night's parties. Life was good!!!

Then we hit Junior status and got to move off campus...and life was still good!!! Yes, we lived in tiny apartments that weren't the cleanest or the most updated, but they worked and the memories we have from those places are irreplaceable. My responsiblilites grew to include an on-campus job...in the forgein language computer lab on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sunday evenings. I had a car to keep gas in...but at $.89 per gallon, filling my tank for $11 kept me on the road for 3 weeks without an issue. I was going home less and less...and I could honestly say to anyone who asked that I loved school. I did. And in the blink of an eye, it was spring of '99 and I was once again on the Stomach Tilt-a-Whirl, onlyh this time it was at the thought of life after college.

Life was good. Life was free. Life was all about friends and making memories. Never in my life will I probably have such a well-defined period of time that I can look back and honestly recall hundreds of memories with little-to-no effort. I attribute this to the amazing group of friends I made at Concordia. 8 girls who all attended Concordia because they didnt' get into their first choice school. 8 girls who are all from parents who are still married to each other - not one of us has parents who have divorced. Six out of eight of us are oldest children. We all majored in different things but our similarities definately out number our differences. Concordia connected me to my amazing friends who I know are with me thru thick and thin. They would and have dropped everything to be there for me...for things as simple as a phone chat and as major as moving me out of a bad housing situation in a matter of an hour. They are amazing.

This upcoming October is my 10 year college reunion. Part of me is so sad to know it's already been 10 years since the adventure came to an end...14 since it started. The other part of me is so happy to have had the adventure at all. I wouldn't trade a single day of my life as a Cobber...it was priceless.

Mother's Day

You know you've hit adulthood when the phrase "Everyday should be Mother's Day!" crosses your mind. Crap. I'm old.

I had a divine Mother's Day. I was allowed to sleep in. I had some scrambled egg whites and coffee waiting for me when I woke up. There were no gifts or cards, but I did get exactly what I wanted.

My son, being as he's only 4, doesn't really "get" Mother's Day. My amazing boyfriend covered for him...which in turn amazes me. This man loves me, I know that...and I know he sees how hard Motherhood is. This doesn't necessarily mean he needs to acknowledge the holiday for me, however. My sweetheart is not the father of my son. We share no children. And yet, he knows that if he doesn't help observe this holiday for me, no one will. He's a keeper. I'm in love.

And to my child's 'father' (typically I use the term 'sperm donor'), once again, you've proven your deadbeatness. Thank you GOD that my son has an admirable man to look up to as a Father and not the one linked to him thru biology.

Concert Etiquette

There are rules of society when attending a concert. These rules change depending on the venue of the concert and the type of music played. For example, a Hannah Montana concert has different societal rules than the opera or a concert at Orchestra Hall. However, last night at a very enjoyable concert at a very intimate venue, I encountered the ultimate rule-breakers when it comes to social ettiquette...and I was PISSED.

Let me back up for a second. My sweet boyfriend bought me a 'date' to see Colin Hay - former lead singer of Men At Work - for my birthday. He's been doing solo accoustic shows for a few years and I had heard he put on a good show...so we went. It was in an older theatre - an old movie theater that is maintained by the taxpayers of the City of Minneapolis - and we were sitting in rows of folding chairs before the stage. I'd bet the capacity of the room was 450. The show was sold out.

We were off to the side of center stage in an area set up in rows of 6 seats per row. Behind us, a group of four sat down - one girl and three guys. Immediately, I knew they were going to be difficult...particularily the two guys sitting right behind me. You know the type. They are loud laughers. Not just a knotch louder than most people...they were always the first to laugh and they were the loudest laughers in the room. This was accompanied by incessant repeating. Whatever the preformer said, whether it be a little story or an intro to a song, they would repeat the last few words to each other...either one at a time or at the same time. SO ANNOYING. This didn't happen once or twice...it happened throughout the entire performance and got progressively louder as the night went on.

Then about half way through the main event, the girl sitting behind Phil began to sing. Loudly and off key. This wasn't a sing-a-long concert. NO ONE ELSE was singing. But No Social Skills was. Loudly. And Badly. About the time the Bad Singer started, so did her sidekick - the fake drummer. The guy sitting directly behind me was pretend drumming - complete with foot-kick on a bass drum (my chair was the pedal for this). His arms were flying around as if he was playing drums along with the old Men At Work classics.

The finale was when the Bad Singer not only belted out the last song but also started acting out the lyrics. Her hands in the air...waving...her hands in a prayer position...jazz hands...dancing fingers...hands in her hair...you name it. And it wasn't subtly...it was as if she was in a Southern Baptist church praising her creator on Eastere Sunday.

Never ever in my life have I witnessed a group of people with LESS social graces. Please please please people...I beg you...teach your children these little social nuances...they ARE IMPORTaNT!!!!!!!!!!

Stress?? What stress??

Ya think anyone has ever died from being stressed out??

I just wish it'd make me thinner...'cause I'm naesous all the time and yet I eat. Dangit.

I'm just so tired of worrying about the same things - mainly money - and I'm so sick of rejection!!! I guess I have no skill-set to qualify for any job I apply for...and it's frusterating as hell. I'm a good person. I have a great personality and I'm intelligent enough to learn just about anything.

Someone. Please. Hire. ME!!!!

Thank you GOD for my son...

I just have to say that lately more than usual, I look at my child and I cannot believe he is mine. I know that sounds schmaltzy and so cliche, but it's so unbelieveably true. I've always known I was blessed with a good looking child. I thank GOD for that every day...that I had a complication-free pregnancy, a very easy delivery and a beautiful, healthy baby. Only now, my baby is almost 4. And he's cuter and smarter than I ever could have dreamed he would be. The things that come out of his mouth and out of his head make me laugh (or cry, depending on the material...). He's at an age now where he ASKS about things...and comes up the the sweetest things to say. The latest one to wring my heart out a little bit was something he said last weekend. We were driving in the car and he said "Momma...do you know what I want to be when I grow up??" This is a tricky question because it changes hourly...doctor...fireman...chef...baker. I secretly think he could be a politician or an actor or a musician...but I humor him and say "No Logibear....what do you want to be when you grow up?" He replies without a care in the world "A daddy. I want to be a daddy.".

Oh my gosh my heart hurts. The kid who doesn't HAVE a daddy wants to be one. He already knows this. And he's not even 4.

Sometimes I wish I could read his mind...and know what his heart and head think about this 'no daddy' business. Does it even cross his mind as weird or do i just make that up in my head? My reply has always been "some kids don't have daddies" when the topic comes up in my house...and I change the subject. But how long will that pacify him? I have no idea.

I'm just so in love with my son (when I don't want to wring his neck). he couldn't be any cuter or smarter or more entertaining.

Cupid's Spirit Week...

I know. February 14th is just a day, right? It's jut a date on a calendar page...like August 10th...only special to those who have special meaning behind that day. Well...for ME...Valentine's Day is special for a different reason. I'm extremely superstitious about it's powers...and the bad luck it brings me.

I'm one of the most romantic souls you will ever meet. I love to love...I love to be loved and spread love and tell those I love that I love them. I love, in theory, that there's a day devoted to expressing love to others.

Unfortunately, Valentine's Day brings bad memories for me. In the third grade, we had secret Valentine's pals. We had to hand make a gift for this person. I made my Valentine a heart shaped cake. The little boy I had a crush on the entire year had drawn my name and made me an adorable heart-shaped, hand painted box. I got sick and not only had to stiff the person who was going to receive my cake, but I never got to open my gift from my crush. In the seventh grade, I was 'going with' a boy who I really really liked (and we went out from September until June, which is like being married for ten years when you're in the seventh grade) and he sent me roses to my homeroom. Again, I had a migraine and was home sick. he left the flowers with the homeroom teacher and I never got them. Another one bites the dust.

In high school, I asked a guy to our Sweetheart Dance (which fell on Valentine's Day) and he originally said yes...until another, better option came along...and I got declined.

In college, I got cheated on on Valentine's Day. I waited up all night for my boyfriend to come over after he got off work. He never came. In the morning when he finally answered his phone, he told me he'd spent the night at Destiney's house. Nice. Thanks so much.

Another guy I had dated for over a year and I broke up on Valentine's Day. I had dropped the hint and even offered to buy tickets to a Wild Game for the big day...and not only did he say "no...I have something else in mind" but when the night came, he had NoTHING planned...and after watching him watch TV for a couple hours acting like nothing was wrong, I packed up my things and left...for good.

When I waited tables, I spent many Valentine's nights waiting on lovers who spent the evening eating off of each other's forks and sharing bottles of wine and rich desserts. I was 'in' on a couple Valentine's Day proposals. For the romantic in me, I was more than the 'bitter, party of one'???

Last year, however...the cycle was broken. After dating someone for 5.5 months, he got it...and that made me love him even more. It's not a day all about me. I never wanted that. I just wanted one thing to happen to let me know that yes, I love you, and yes, I appreciate you and yes, I may not understand the importanace of this day but I DO understand that it's important to you so I'll take you out someplace nice. And he did. We tried The Blue Point in Wayzata and it was amazing...and I was finally one of those couples I'd waited on so many times...and I ordered wine and a wonderful Swordfish and savored every bite. I got a wonderfully sweet card that now lives attached to my sun visor in my car so everytime I look up, I see it...my reminder that he cares...and I got a present that I use on a very regular basis...practical yet thoughtful. I met the man who understands me. The best Valentine of all.

I love you, Phil.

Prayers Answered and otherwise...

Ever think it's funny that you can go for days or even weeks with nothing major going on in the lives around you...and then all of a sudden a cosmic explosion happens and it pours?

Some friends of ours had their son, Adam, on January 6th. He as born at 26 weeks and tipped the scale at 1 pound 13 ounces the night he arrived. Adam got dealt a bunk deck to absolutely no fault of his or anyone elses' own. His mom found out in the process of trying to get pregnant that she only has half a uterus...so his quarters were a mystery as to how long they'd last before he needed more space. The 20 week ultrasound showed a cleft lip and palate, which on a full-term baby is an easily treated condition but on a premie, it causes issues. His little lungs never had a chance to develop and his life on a ventilator was a series of roller coaster rides of oxygen desaturation levels. Then in the last 36 hours, his bowels decided to give up and after a surgery to repair that damage, Adam's little tiny body gave up and he became an angel at 5am today.

My heart is breaking for our friends. These two are going to be the most amazing parents. Their love and humor and faith for each other, for their marriage, and for life makes them such an amazing couple. When we learned of their pregnancy, my heart leapt as I knew this was an answered prayer for them. As the pregnancy progressed, my excitement for them and for the awesome journey they were on was also progressing. They don't deserve to have it turn out this way!!! They don't deserve all of this!! They deserve to be like all of the other couples I know - who enter the hospital one day and leave three days later with a healthy baby!!!

The same day, today, that I learn of this devastating news, I also learn that another couple I know who struggled with infertility has been approved on all the necessary paperwork for the adoption of their third child from Columbia. They leave on Thursday to travel to Bodega to pick up their son, Samuel, who will be one year old on March 3. This was prayers answered, as adoption paperwork is a very long, frusterating and time consuming process which we have all been thru with them twice before with their older two children. Their family becomes complete on Thursday...the day we'll probably be traveling to Madison, WI for the funeral of another baby.

Why does this happen? Why does it seem that God chooses who to bless and who gets the roughest road possible?? There's a seperate heaven for children...or so they say...and I'm sure it's an amazing place. I just wish there was one less angel there...his parents miss him already too much....

...all from ONE comment...

I have gone from picking out my wedding and bridesmaids dresses to feeling like the bottom of my world has fallen out in a mere 12 hours. I haven't felt this devastated in years, if ever. I don't think one can ever forget the pain of a heartbreak...but I'll tell you this...the pain worsens every time it happens.

I'll back up.

A comment I made lead to a conversation in which the words "I don't know if I'm IN LOVE with you" were said to me. My heart cracked into a million pieces. Although I've been feeling a little off in my relationship lately, I never thought that this would be the outcome. Later on in the same conversation, which involved a lot of tears on both sides, it was decided that we do indeed have something to work on...something special enough to fight for...and that a couple sessions with a counselor might benefit us. At least we'll know that we tried if things don't work out. Of course, after not sleeping a single wink all night, my emotions are on overload and I'm not quite sure what to think anymore.

My question is : Can you fall in love with someone after this much time?

I'm so scared. I AM in love with this man and to hear that it's not mutual is devastating. He loves my son...loves being the man in his life...and I don't doubt that he loves me....but to what level or extent? I am lost. I have never felt this horrible about myself. I have never doubted my actions more than I do right now. I'm trying to focus on the positive - the desire to work things out - but the fear of that not happening is stifleing. The thought of throwing away all the hopes and the dreams I had for us is beyond heartbreaking. I not only fell in love with this man, but with his family too...and his friends...and his life. I need this to work. I need to know he's as committed to making it work as I am. Our conversation last night said he was...a night of no sleep is playing with that statement in my mind.

All I know is that I'm in a place I hoped and prayed I'd never be in again. God help me.

Three Days In...

I started my 2009 upon returning to reality on Sunday night. I know this is probably cheating but there's no way I could have made a committment to myself when I was 'on vacation'.

So today is day #3 of my "Focusing on My Health and Myself" year. I gotta say, I feel pretty dang good about it. I'm drinking my 100 oz. of water a day. I've made it onto the treadmill everyday. I'm making wise food choices. Things are going well.

So why don't I LOOK different??? Gosh, I wish it would fall off as quickly as it can come on.

I think tonight I'm going to do a Detox Tea before bed. At least then, perhaps my gut will feel clean tomorrow.

I think there may be something wrong with me. I have lost my desire to ever leave my house even though my child is driving me insane. My house is an absolute sty. I try to keep up cleaning it but Logan goes behind me and makes a mess of the rooms I have just picked up. I'm on antidepressants but I don't feel like they're working anymore...and my health insurance is 'disaster only' so I can't go to te Family Practice clinic and get more/different meds. I'm seriously starting to see how mental illness can cause serious disasters in people's lives. I'm freaking out about finances constantly now. I NEED something to take my mind off my life.